Shit Said in IRC

Discussion, in general

Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby cmsellers » Sun Sep 24, 2017 5:25 pm

52XMax - Today at 11:21 AM
two texans arguing over tacos is like brits arguing over sushi
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Tue Sep 26, 2017 3:29 am

Supreme Overlord Pumpkin - Today at 7:27 PM
omg this monkey has a little penis
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby cmsellers » Fri Sep 29, 2017 7:08 am

JamishT - Today at 1:05 AM
I never had peer pressure to drink or smoke anything. Besides that one time my cousins and I tried to smoke cattail
(the plant, not a cat's actual tail)

Mick - Today at 1:05 AM
I know you can eat cattail, I didnt know you could smoke it.

JamishT - Today at 1:05 AM
You can't.
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby cmsellers » Fri Sep 29, 2017 6:57 pm

Sprite - Today at 12:56 PM
Pumpkin told me to be a functional person
I am working on it

Supreme Overlord Pumpkin - Today at 12:56 PM
Going in to your room is a good start

avi - Today at 12:56 PM
Why not be an object-oriented person?
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby SilverMaple » Sun Oct 01, 2017 5:11 pm

Strant - Today at 11:07 AM
frogs are what happens when nature tries to and succeeds at being sexy
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby cmsellers » Sun Oct 01, 2017 5:52 pm

Tesseracts - Today at 11:51 AM
Fascism was just trying to cure genetic diseases

cmsellers - Today at 11:51 AM
Like Semitism and Ziganism.

Marcuse - Today at 11:51 AM
Fascism was a reaction to the weakness of the democracies installed in European states

Sprite - Today at 11:52 AM
Fascism was a result of Jews calling Hitler racist
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Love letter from a spider

Postby Strant » Tue Oct 03, 2017 10:32 am

Asche - Today at 8:57 AM
oh
oh god
guys
I just found a letter that I was going to send my crush from a few years ago for her birthday
SO
SO
SO MUCH CRINGE
Oh lord
thank god I managed to not send it*


*Except that he did send it, as we found out later, two weeks after her birthday party.

Strant - Today at 9:02 AM
...
I AM INTRIGUED


...
of course you would be
you vile bastard
SHAME.docx
16.10 KB
...
let us never speak of this ever again


Oh but we will.

Spoiler: show
The original plan was to get this written and nicely packaged by your birthday or your party at the latest in lieu of a card, but between midsems and work and your party it got somewhat lost in the mix. Yes, I'm blaming your party on the tardiness of this message. What else am I supposed to do- accept culpability over my own time management? Preposterous.

I've never been big on birthdays. I've never been big on large, celebratory events of any kind, really. Or even small ones, for that matter. I don't make much of my own, and being the egocentric, mildly sociopathic individual I am, I lack the necessary empathy to understand why anyone else should do otherwise, typically preferring to spend the time between one challenge and the next pointlessly worrying or passed out from the exertion of the last.

Rest assured, this is not a simple matter of spite: It's simply that I lack the necessary energy to generate the enthusiasm required*. I once congratulated a pair of newlyweds on their marriage, and immediately spent the next three months in a coma for my trouble. Three years and 42 orphan-blood spa treatments later, I still haven't fully recovered.

So, it goes without saying that I am bad -appalling, really- at making messages such as this. It's simply not very "me" to wish anyone a happy birthday, and the amount of effort required to write something so fundamentally opposed to my personality might very well kill me.

That said, I feel compelled to congratulate you on your spectacular feat of not-dying for the past 21 years. I’m not entirely sure why- the sentiment seems to be emanating from some dark, decrepit, neglected corner of my deprived psyche, located approximately somewhere in my left breast. It’s weird, alien and altogether too squishy for my liking. Picturing it inevitably conjures an image of “squelching”, “moistness” and “damp”, none of which are particularly likeable qualities, though I do find its rhythmic beating oddly soothing. Perhaps it reminds me of happier days playing the piano while attending to the orderly ticking of the metrono- oh wait, never mind those days were miserable. My tutor would keep rapping me on the knuckles when I played a note out of time and my fingers would swell up like bright, neon sausages.

But I’m getting off track.

(If ever there was one.)

In any case, should the subtext be unclear for whatever unfathomable reason- for I think you’ll agree that my writing is nothing short of crystalline in its clarity- I do bear a mild fondness for you, despite your lack of obvious spines, fangs, tentacles, talons, or other similarly monstrous traits. No, I don’t get it either. Perhaps it would be explicable if you possessed some particularly striking deformities- warts, goiters, etc., but alas you do not. Truly, a mystery. I honestly don’t understand how you can bear to look at yourself in the morning without sprouting at least an antler or two.
But perhaps, that is because I am petty. And superficial. And altogether blind to your finer qualities, like your impish humour and not-so-subtle dark streak. I would also commend you on your artistic eye, were it not for the fact that I’m convinced that you are, in fact, a fraud who simply has the good fortune to consistently stumble across marvellous lighting (or is it just a spectacular appreciation for window lighting that I spot upon your Instagram?).

(But no, seriously, great work.)

Then again, I suppose it is only fitting that you should happen upon such good lighting, for if there is a single quality to you that I find most intolerable, it must be your seemingly innate ability to bring light to those around you- to suffuse our mud-covered lives with a breath of levity and joy that encourages a sense of openness and possibility…even hope. There are moments where you appear to walk without shadow, as if all mortal concerns had been disconnected from your being to make way for a single, fleeting second of unadulterated, sanctified peace. As if the laws of physics did not apply, could not apply, and dared not to bind you to sordid reality.

Oh, how hateful it is.

It is not a feat I could ever imagine equalling, for all my non-existent talents. The shadows bind to me too tightly. Or perhaps it is I that bind too tightly to them? No matter- the distinction is irrelevant. This is after all, meant to be your card- unlikely though that that may seem- and it wouldn’t do to overwhelm it with excessive egotistical navel-gazing.

Of course, it’s probably all just an optical illusion. A singularly magnificent feat of Socha**, rendered all the more impressive by my own formidable practice. 3 years later, and I still have barely an inkling of what lurks behind that pearly, opaque surface of yours. Yours is a veil I cannot pierce; a riddle I cannot solve. A book that cannot be read. Do you have any idea how maddening that is? This is the kind of itch I haven’t had to endure since 4unit math in Year 12.

Part of that is doubtless my own fault- I haven’t exactly cultured a persona of trustworthiness and open discourse while in your presence, have I?

Well, consider this a break in tradition.

[REDACTED], you are a fantastic person with some seriously admirable qualities. Your existence is a boon that elevates those around you, and you carry a levity in your spirit that gladdens the heart and threatens to turn even the most taciturn reptile into a yapping puppy. And that is nothing short of miraculous. So much so, that it feels odd to wish you a “Happy Birthday”, because it is clear that we, the people around you, are the key beneficiaries of your presence, not you.

But I suppose, that may be the best reason for it.

Happy Birthday, [REDACTED]. May you find even a fraction of the good you confer upon us all.

…aannd now, I stand at the dreaded crossroads that I’ve spent so much of this over-long essay delaying.

I’m at a loss on how to continue.

As I so often do with you, I now find myself at a complete and utter disadvantage. It is not a position I usually find myself in, nor is it one I relish being in. For all our differences, I would, no bullshit, very much like to be counted as your friend. Not an acquaintance, or a colleague, but someone in whom you place at least a modicum of trust.

And in return, you shall have mine.

Under normal circumstances that might be a fair proposition, but I have no reason to suspect that you hold any interest in my openness at this stage. My only hope, therefore, is that I may be wrong.

*: Plus, smiling would like, totally ruin the whole “brooding loner” look I'm going for, and we couldn't have that. Besides, you know who else used to smile? Hitler, that's who.
**: From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igKea6GgTvI


Strant - Today at 10:40 AM
Orphan blood spa treatments are a surefire way to pull in the girls
Asche - Today at 10:40 AM
look, she was into Hannibal
HANNIBAL
Dizzypunch - Today at 10:40 AM
did you just cite a youtube video in a letter
Asche - Today at 10:40 AM
okay
Yes
no
maybe
shutup
your mum
Dizzypunch - Today at 10:40 AM
This sounds like a greentext brought to life
Asche - Today at 10:41 AM
that youtube video may or may not have been/be very close to my heart
the hell is a greentext
wait, I probably don't want to know
Dizzypunch - Today at 10:41 AM
not something you should be invoking
Strant - Today at 10:41 AM
>be me
Dizzypunch - Today at 10:41 AM
but you went and did it
Strant - Today at 10:41 AM
>like a girl, but too awkward to just tell her
>write letter
Asche - Today at 10:42 AM
CRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGEEE
Strant - Today at 10:42 AM
>no idea how to really do it, somewhere it derails everything and becomes steeped in 15 layers of irony
>mention that you can't give compliments and that you ironically wish she had monsterlike qualities
>end letter with citing a youtube video
Asche - Today at 10:43 AM
IN MY DEFENSE
Strant - Today at 10:43 AM
/b/, why did I ever do this?
Asche - Today at 10:43 AM
I have since discovered that she too follows the channel the video that is from
Strant - Today at 10:43 AM
That's you in 2 years
Asche - Today at 10:43 AM
so
it's like marginally less bad
Strant - Today at 10:43 AM
Well at least she didn't cut you off completely after receiving that


What was her reaction exactly
Strant - Today at 10:50 AM
Can we get Ash on tinder or something just to see what he writes as openers?
Dizzypunch - Today at 10:50 AM
she immediately dumped her date right
him*
Asche - Today at 10:50 AM
oh mostly she just joked about the orphan blood thing
and then no response on anything else
which is probably for the best, honestly
Strant - Today at 10:51 AM
Nice
Asche - Today at 10:51 AM
she always was more mature than me
I say was, because she's dead now, obviously
I couldn't let anyone know what I'd done
no witnesses, etc. etc.
Strant - Today at 10:51 AM
Well you may have a chance now
Asche - Today at 10:52 AM
doubtful, we've kinda fallen out of touch
Dizzypunch - Today at 10:52 AM
She'll have nothing better to do
Asche - Today at 10:52 AM
we're on cordial terms, but not much more
probably for the best, honestly
Lady drove me mad, as you can tell
Dizzypunch - Today at 10:52 AM
Imagine a future
Asche - Today at 10:52 AM
One of the few people who I could never figure out
Dizzypunch - Today at 10:52 AM
grandkids and all
and she pulls out that letter at an anniversary
  • 7

<Orange>A fellow called Strant (he's a Swede)
<Orange>Is a fetus who somehow can read
<Orange>He'll plant a chat bomb
<Orange>Though with charm and aplomb
<Orange>Then laugh as he watches us bleed
__

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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby Tesseracts » Sun Oct 08, 2017 4:52 am

Strant - Today at 11:50 PM
CIA's life is a convoluted suicide joke
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Sun Oct 08, 2017 4:54 am

Oh, whose isn't?
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby cmsellers » Wed Oct 11, 2017 1:55 am

DjiboutiDan - Today at 7:51 PM
US soccer is about to hit a new low

Deathclaw_Puncher - Today at 7:52 PM
It can hit a low lower than being soccer?

Sprite - Today at 7:53 PM
Is it changing its name to Football?
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby Marcuse » Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:49 pm

Strant - Today at 11:48 PM
All my English/Swedish teachers have basically jerked me off in private
gets sorta weird
  • 8

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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby IamNotCreepy » Sun Oct 22, 2017 6:43 pm

IMG_20171022_134126.jpg
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby cmsellers » Thu Oct 26, 2017 5:13 am

Context: Dino is venting about a housemate known as "the bitch" both before and during this but omitting everything she said makes this way funnier.

Tesseracts - Today at 10:52 PM
tell her she will be happier if she stops being a lesbian

HallowRidley - Today at 10:52 PM
"hey you know what makes me happy? sucking dick. You should try it"

Asche - Today at 10:53 PM
tell her that the cure to her bitchiness is my dick.
And you can quote me on that
I want to see her reaction
That'd be hilarious

Tesseracts - Today at 10:53 PM
you guys took my homophobic joke and made it more rapey
thanks
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby Tesseracts » Sat Oct 28, 2017 6:12 pm

A0A7CD27-C1EC-4FAB-B1C7-B0863E3C2958.png
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Re: Shit Said in IRC

Postby Tesseracts » Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:25 am

Mythology lesson from our resident Scandinavians.


Strant - Today at 11:17 PM
Loki is the worst
Dino - Today at 11:17 PM
Which he's also good at
Strant - Today at 11:17 PM
Is all you need to know
He's not even good at pranks
Dino - Today at 11:17 PM
Except for when he gets horse-raped
Strant - Today at 11:17 PM
He's like
"Haha turned myself into a horse and got pregnant. EPIC PRANK"
"Haha ending the world with my son who's also a wolf haha"
Dino - Today at 11:18 PM
End of the world [GONE WRONG] [GONE SEXUAL]
Strant - Today at 11:18 PM
Fenrir is like really big
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