The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

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The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby sunglasses » Thu Dec 13, 2018 6:42 pm

Please note, the following contains dark humor as that is how the OP copes. Which she learned at the knee from her father. The following GIFS are all from shows they watched together.

Hi TCS

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A couple of you know from Discord but recently I've had a bit of a shit sandwich.

My dad was found dead on Saturday. It turns out that if you have a strong history of heart disease and have been having left arm pain you should see the doctor.

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Anyhoo, for years he had been claiming he had a will. And we found a piece of paper with his name on it and...nothing else. So that's out the door. And it turns out in PA that means all us children have to agree to everything. That actually isn't that big of an issue. We've already agreed to use whatever he has to pay his bills, his cremation, his memorial and if anything is left over to split 5 ways. However, PA does not accept verbal agreements or even informal written ones. No, I'll need to have them sign all sorts of shit. Just so I can access his bank account to pay for his own cremation. Realizing all this, I consulted my friend's dad, a retired lawyer who recommended a lawyer. Consultation for lawyer: made. But not til next week.

Meanwhile I'm having ever so much fun waiting on hold for 40 minutes at a time to tell his 401 K provider he's dead, as his work told me to do, just to find out that I'm not supposed to call them. It's supposed to be his work.

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Eventually I get ahold of someone who actually fucking knows something. But, I can't do jack or shit without a short certificate and they're "waiting on his death to be processed in the computer." It was entered on Sunday, but still hasn't gone through yet?

So let me break down my week thus far:

~Get called Saturday to be told my dad is dead and my brother is not handling it well. At all.
~wait to get coverage at work so I can leave
~frantically get down to my dad's apartment to meet the coroner all while explaining to my siblings that no, you don't want to see the body, face down death =lividity in a very bad place.
~Try to call cremation society and get no answer.
~Go down to the apartment and take ownership of Dad's cockatiel that he's fed exclusively grocery store seed based feeds for 20 years. How is this bird alive?!
~Meanwhile I had xmas celebration planned at my sister's. We decided to stick with that, because then we can talk about our plans and just decompress. Which is 3 hours one way. We go. It was ok. Frayed nerves soothed with garlic bread and pie.
~Monday comes. EVERYONE decides they want to come with me to the funeral home for some reason. I'm honestly puzzled but ok. Come on in. It's not like we're going to have a viewing or a service for a while.
~And back to the apartment! It still smells like smoke. Heavily. I made the mistake of trying to sort things and just throw everything in a box for sorting later once I found an envelope FULL OF BEADS. WHY?! Also he's a hoarder. He has movie tickets from 1975 for fuck's sake.
~Tuesday-drive all over the place just to find out nothing is ready and that I've been told a bunch of incorrect shit. I'm exhausted. Go home and crash.
~Weds- realized that going into work so soon was kinda dumb.


So now the rest of the week, we're going to be going down Sat and making sure everything else is out of the apartment. Then I need to sort through a box of over 1000 photographs since I promised to scan them so that we can all enjoy them.

Me when I realized how many photos existed:
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We're also trying to book a place for his memorial and trying to find what's available. He's not religious so we don't plan on having anything in a church and he knew just about EVERYONE in town so we want to make is accessible.

Anyhoo, make sure your parents have a will, make sure you have a will, do not leave envelopes full of beads for your children to find.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby Ladki96 » Thu Dec 13, 2018 8:09 pm

{{{{{{{{{{{Sunny}}}}}}}}} and then all the hugs 'cause boy do you deserve it <3<3<3<3

I'm so sorry. As if the loss wasn't enough, you had to go through the absolute crap that followed. Fuck this week from hell you've had. It's great that there's no unnecessary headache with the family and all are in agreement.

I didn't know your dad at all, but I'm super thankful to him for gifting us an amazing, hilarious woman with an iron endurance, if your post is anything to go by :) can't alleviate any of your suffering or really help out in any real way, but just wanted to send some virtual bearhugs your way <3 {{{{{{Sunny}}}}}} take care
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby KleinerKiller » Thu Dec 13, 2018 8:53 pm

Everything Lads said :(

I wish I had more to add, but I keep cycling back to the stock shit everyone says to the grieving, and that's not my style. So just know that you've got metric tons of internet hugs comin' your way, Sunny, and you deserve every one of 'em.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby Pedgerow » Thu Dec 13, 2018 9:14 pm

I'm really sorry to hear this. My dad had a major health scare a couple of years ago, which he survived, but it was a close call for a bit, and I remember how that felt worse than anything I've felt. It's like you're being crushed by an invisible weight you can't explain; it stifles you and keeps you awake at night and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. To be in your situation, which is obviously a thousand times worse, must be unimaginable. I don't know if there's anything anyone can do, but if there is, please know that we're very eager to try.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby jbobsully11 » Thu Dec 13, 2018 10:46 pm

...Damn, that sucks. Also, ^what they wrote. Hopefully things start to go somewhat more smoothly soon.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby iMURDAu » Thu Dec 13, 2018 11:26 pm

Fuck that, I'm putting beads in envelopes right now.

Coping with dark humor, it's just about the only way to mentally survive.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby LunarTeaHouse » Fri Dec 14, 2018 3:59 am

Sorry to hear this, but it sounds like you and the fam are holding up well enough. Good to have a sense of humor about these things. We must laugh at our demons, lest they consume us. :twisted:
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby sunglasses » Fri Dec 14, 2018 5:24 am

iMURDAu wrote:Fuck that, I'm putting beads in envelopes right now.



Ok. That's fucking hilarious.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby sunglasses » Fri Dec 14, 2018 6:31 pm

And now a query to all:

My brother and one of my sisters don't feel like anyone "outside of that circle" should be talking about things that "aren't their business."

I disagree. I think that being our spouses it is their fucking business.

Thoughts?
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby Marcuse » Fri Dec 14, 2018 6:41 pm

If they're married to people, or have been together for a long time, in my opinion it is their business. Speaking more generally, if you share a difficult thing it's often easier to handle than if you try to bottle it up. Strictly speaking it's a personal decision, but my feeling is that it's better to share and ask for help than to hide it and soldier on (within reason of course).

I'm really sorry to hear about this Sunny, you and all your family have my sympathies and hypothetical bottles of scotch.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby Pedgerow » Fri Dec 14, 2018 8:32 pm

If I was married to you and you wanted to talk about it, I would damn well talk about it. If you took me with you to a family gathering where it was being discussed, I would talk about it. But if I met your siblings in some other situation, or if you took me to a gathering where they were there and not talking about, I wouldn't be the first to bring it up. After all, maybe they want to talk about something else for a bit. I remember hearing somewhere that when something as appalling as this happens to someone, it might actually make them feel better to know that they can step away from it and resume their normal life for a bit. You've all been through some hideous upheaval; perhaps some of you want the stability of some things remaining the same.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby iMURDAu » Sat Dec 15, 2018 2:13 pm

sunglasses wrote:And now a query to all:

My brother and one of my sisters don't feel like anyone "outside of that circle" should be talking about things that "aren't their business."

I disagree. I think that being our spouses it is their fucking business.

Thoughts?


Spouse means you're married which means it legally is their fucking business. It means they're fam, fam.

But maybe be aware that your husband could have married you because he was really after your father's unknown secret fortune. Which was such a secret that it wasn't even known.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby Malfeasinator » Mon Dec 17, 2018 8:28 pm

My granddad was like my Dad, because my real Dad wasn't around much, and when he went, it was awful for everybody. But that's not what I'm going to talk about.

Since I was roughly the same build as my granddad, my grandma and aunts wanted me to have some of his clothes. I couldn't really turn them down. They didn't like the idea of a stranger having his stuff.

It turns out his clothes were nice and actually comfortable. I tried on a jacket and felt a napkin in one of the pockets.

In the napkin was an old, dried booger.

When we were kids, he'd hand us his trash to throw away sometimes, and say something like "here, do something with that, will ya?"

It was like one last joke. It made me laugh and cry at the same time. It was just so like him.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby IamNotCreepy » Mon Dec 17, 2018 8:56 pm

Malfeasinator wrote:My granddad was like my Dad, because my real Dad wasn't around much, and when he went, it was awful for everybody. But that's not what I'm going to talk about.

Since I was roughly the same build as my granddad, my grandma and aunts wanted me to have some of his clothes. I couldn't really turn them down. They didn't like the idea of a stranger having his stuff.

It turns out his clothes were nice and actually comfortable. I tried on a jacket and felt a napkin in one of the pockets.

In the napkin was an old, dried booger.

When we were kids, he'd hand us his trash to throw away sometimes, and say something like "here, do something with that, will ya?"

It was like one last joke. It made me laugh and cry at the same time. It was just so like him.


I have the same name as my grandfather, so in the 10 years since he passed my grandmother keeps trying to pawn off all of his old crap on me. Anything with his name or initials get sent to me, whether I want them or not. I am -not- the same size as him, so just this past Thanksgiving she tried to give me one of his old shirts.

Just to humor her, I tried to put it on but couldn't even button it.

Sunny -- I am so sorry for your loss. I know the whole process dealing with the financial stuff is difficult -- I have to do a lot of that (from the other side) at my job, and it's extremely frustrating.
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Re: The Lessons I've Learned with my Dad's death.

Postby sunglasses » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:01 pm

Hi Sunny,

How've ya been?

Hip deep in bullshit, friends.

Hip deep in bullshit.

But I've learned so, so much about probate law. And bullshit.

Let's recap!

I've been in absolute hysteria the majority of the day Monday because I couldn't find the jeep keys and had a buyer lined up. Still can't find them. I need to sell the Jeep to recoup my losses of the cost of trash collection in the apartment. I was hoping the 401K would have enough in it to cover but....it had 296.00. Of which they're taking 20% out in taxes because I'm closing the 401k. Which is bullshit, IMO.

Life insurance money-which my sister hasn't divided out yet-is NOT part of probate and is not taxable. So I'm trying to do my best to keep the two accounts separated because you don't pay taxes on the life insurance but you do on checking accounts, etc.

I wanted to sell my dad's comics to help pay off everything but my brother is refusing. Look, the Marvel ones are cool and so are the action comics. I don't care that he wants to keep them. I wanted to sell the Rip Off Press Comics. I care that I've spent 1500 bucks of my own money and will not be able to pay myself that back-because I still have bills the estate needs to pay. Yes, sure, eventually I'm getting some life insurance money but I'm just super fucking frustrated. I'm still waiting on his W-2, so I can file his taxes (yes, I have to, it's bullshit) but he always got a refund so that will be good news. I'm sure the IRS will find some way to fuck me tho.

I need to call a Jeep dealer and get new keys made. Oh joy. It's cheaper to replace the ignition lock column but I need specialty tools I do not have and would not be cost effective to buy.

Oh, and let's not even start with the family. My siblings told me the apartment was mostly cleaned out. It was not. I had to hire trash people. It cost 600 bucks. I am not amused.

Dad had tons of collectibles that he mentioned would be sold upon his death, like his Star Trek plates, but my brother is refusing to allow us to do so. Never mind that Dad specifically collected things so that we could sell them. It was, to him, safer then a 401k. The comics were last priced at 4500, but I know the prices tend to fluctuate.

Meanwhile, my brother is on a thin line. He wants to throw people out of the memorial this Saturday. We have told him he cannot. I'm incredibly stressed about it. My husband seems to think he needs to protect me if Corwin gets in my face...he does not. I can handle my brother with one stare. Corwin has ALWAYS backed down from me. I'm not worried about his posturing. I'm worried about his legit paranoia causing him to go off. Meanwhile baby sis feels like we're letting bro get his own way and is tired of it. Why does she feel this way? Because she wanted me to request people to wear flannel in honor of Dad. I think that's super stupid. Dad only wore flannel when he started to get fat because it was one of the few thing s that fit and he thought it hid his shape. Plus, you cannot fucking mandate a dress code to a memorial. Dad's crazy fucking sister, who claimed I killed Grandma, will be there so that's going to be....fuck I'm glad I have a flask.

I have spent all of my days off dealing with this bullshit or driving down to Gettysburg. I spent the majority of my waking hours on this. It's tiring.
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