Funny reviews

General interest items found around the web.

Funny reviews

Postby Bert » Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:39 pm

Didn't see an existing thread for this so I decided to create a repository where we can share those moments when you are reading product reviews and an average person brightens your day with a real gem. Or in my case you seek them out. Here are a couple to start, neither of which I recommend reading while eating.

The first is for Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears, a product now known to cause explosive diarrhea for many people (are there two words that least go together in the English language than "explosive" and "diarrhea"?). She really has a gift with imagery.

Spoiler: show
One star, titled "Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate."
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.



The second is for Veet Hair Removal Creme for Men, which warns you not to use it on your dangly bits. A warning this guy from Denmark chose to ignore.

Spoiler: show
Five stars. Titled "A warning from across the pond..."
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)
  • 29

"Condoms are a sign of a bad relationship." -Kate

"We have been here a while. We are not clean people." -Typical Michael
User avatar
Bert
Jedi Master
Jedi Master
 
Posts: 873
Joined: Tue Apr 16, 2013 9:50 pm
Location: The Street
Show rep

Re: Funny reviews

Postby sunglasses » Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:56 pm

oh god. the laughter.
  • 22

TCS Etiquette Guide

Rules and FAQs

Zevran wrote:Magic can kill. Knives can kill. Even small children launched at great speeds can kill.
User avatar
sunglasses
TCS Moderator
TCS Moderator
 
Posts: 11541
Joined: Tue Apr 16, 2013 2:52 pm
Show rep
Title: The Speaker of Horrors.

Re: Funny reviews

Postby Aquila89 » Sat Oct 18, 2014 4:22 pm

The fake reviews for the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer are pretty amusing. For example:

I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.


I also liked this one for the Fresh Whole Rabbit:

Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot.
  • 27

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
--Carl Jung
User avatar
Aquila89
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 3441
Joined: Tue Apr 16, 2013 1:45 pm
Location: Hungary
Show rep

Re: Funny reviews

Postby RedBearded » Sat Oct 18, 2014 8:32 pm

I love this review of a product i use.

http://www.amazon.com/Parker-SRW-Stainless-Straight-Razor/dp/B002ONHBBW/ref=sr_1_2?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1409199344&sr=1-2&keywords=parker+stainless+steel+razor+sr1

Spoiler: show
103 of 122 people found the following review helpful
I should've listened to other reviews
By Jake on November 27, 2010
Verified Purchase
First off, let me say that I gave this product 5 stars because it is exactly what it's intended to be. In simpler terms, it's a single-armed straight-edge razor that seems well constructed and served as advertised. But on a subtler, yet more profound level, it's also a finely-honed instrument of death.

I like to think I can follow instructions pretty well. I read tips on straight-razor shaving: I wet down my face, I took my time, I lathered with soap & brush, I stretched skin, etc. But the Razor laughs at this. Razor cares not for your concerns as they do not affect Him and His divine, sharp plan. Razor demanded its offering of flesh and blood. And hallelujah, Razor received payment in full.

This was a good shave when I think back on it -- I was using an old Gillette M3 Power razor with a well-expired cartridge, and I had to fall back on it before losing consciousness. But with my face freshly lubricated with blood, I actually got a really good shave from the M3 Power. So I guess that's how it works. You try to shave with the straight razor, and once you've made your sacrifice of blood to the shaving gods, you are rewarded with an excellent shave from a safety razor.
  • 22

Redbearded-Joined:Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:09 pm
God-Joined:Tue Apr 16, 2013 3:18 pm
User avatar
RedBearded
TCS Guerilla
 
Posts: 413
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:09 pm
Show rep

Re: Funny reviews

Postby Qinglong » Sat Oct 18, 2014 9:28 pm

Probably one of the all-time great review sets is of the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt.

2,916(!) reviews, and so much pure comedy gold.
Chaon wrote:I accidentally spilled a glass of Tuscan Whole Milk down the front of this shirt, and my soul was torn from my body and thrown into heaven by a jealous God.
  • 22

Man created logic and because of that was superior to it. Logic He gave unto me, but no more. The tool does not describe the designer. More than this I do not choose to say. More than this you have no need to know.
User avatar
Qinglong
Knight Writer
Knight Writer
 
Posts: 1765
Joined: Mon Apr 15, 2013 2:27 pm
Location: The Eastern Sky
Show rep
Title: Experienced Bystander

Re: Funny reviews

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Mon Nov 03, 2014 11:28 pm

The reviews of this costume are hilarious.
  • 9

Image
User avatar
Deathclaw_Puncher
Knight Writer
Knight Writer
 
Posts: 12448
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:42 pm
Location: Fair Oaks, CA
Show rep
Title: Queen of the Furrets

Re: Funny reviews

Postby Matthew Notch » Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:50 am

It's just problematic when I go looking at these reviews, then realize that I'm logged into my mother-in-law's Prime account, and now "Sexy Phd" is in her viewing history. Unlike my wife, I won't be deleting that, though. I'm actually kind of interested in seeing how she introduces that topic of conversation.

In a not Amazon direction, for anyone who enjoys (or despises) reading the comments on literally any food blog ("I substituted soy mayonnaise for the Worcestershire and used a gluten-free buckwheat flour to build the dough, and this Yorkshire pudding turned out flat. One star!"), enjoy this recipe and the accompanying reviews for "Ice cubes". But don't share your location with food.com, they need to get over that.

http://www.food.com/recipe/ice-cubes-420398


EDIT: Favorite comment, by far, and it makes me think of the silly Brits

Is this recipe available with metric measurements so it can be made in Europe?
  • 17

It's Dangerous to Go Alone


"I desperately want Jiggery Pokery now."-- Pikajew

"I do feel that if she happens to favour attractive, successful, intelligent men I will be at a disadvantage."--Anglerphobe

"I have a beautiful sphincter and Mexico is gonna pay for it."--Kate
User avatar
Matthew Notch
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 4950
Joined: Mon Apr 15, 2013 11:48 am
Location: The ICT
Show rep
Title: The Last Finisher

Re: Funny reviews

Postby AboveGL » Wed Aug 12, 2015 9:40 am

The reviews for Veet For Men are priceless. One guy even wrote a poem describing his experience.

I've ever had trouble putting this stuff on my crotch, though. I get light and sore burns on part of my body which I've been recently scratching. However, it's VERY messy.
  • 7

AboveGL
TCS Sithlord
TCS Sithlord
 
Posts: 1797
Joined: Tue Apr 16, 2013 4:37 pm
Show rep

Re: Funny reviews

Postby mancityfooty » Wed Aug 12, 2015 12:19 pm

  • 14

72% Vanilla
User avatar
mancityfooty
Time Waster
Time Waster
 
Posts: 1481
Joined: Sun Feb 08, 2015 10:16 pm
Location: Olathe, KS
Show rep
Title: Duke Mix a Lot

Re: Funny reviews

Postby BROWNRECLUSE » Mon Aug 17, 2015 11:36 am

  • 7

Tesseracts wrote:In this age of falsehoods and lies, it's comforting to know some people are genuinely idiots.
User avatar
BROWNRECLUSE
Jedi Knight
Jedi Knight
 
Posts: 4142
Joined: Sat Mar 07, 2015 8:55 pm
Location: Inside your ear canal
Show rep

Re: Funny reviews

Postby Qinglong » Fri Jan 01, 2016 2:37 am

In Reviewing The Cat in the Hat, "A Customer" spake thusly:
A Customer wrote:"The Cat in the Hat" is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably "Green Eggs and Ham", "If I Ran the Zoo", and "Why Can't I Shower With Mommy?" In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.
The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other.
Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss's probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!"
After pooh-poohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lacteal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle.
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego, which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego, allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order.
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss's poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making "The Cat in the Hat" impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.
  • 13

Man created logic and because of that was superior to it. Logic He gave unto me, but no more. The tool does not describe the designer. More than this I do not choose to say. More than this you have no need to know.
User avatar
Qinglong
Knight Writer
Knight Writer
 
Posts: 1765
Joined: Mon Apr 15, 2013 2:27 pm
Location: The Eastern Sky
Show rep
Title: Experienced Bystander

Re: Funny reviews

Postby cmsellers » Sat Jan 02, 2016 1:39 am

Awhile back, I ran across a story about a CA pizza place offering a 25% discount to anybody who left them a one-star review on Yelp.

I thought it was on this site, but this is the funny review thread and I don't see it mentioned. Maybe it was another thread; more likely I'm just going a bit madder than usual.

Any rate, the original story was broken here, but much funnier reviews can be found here. (Or here, for those of you who can't stand to give traffic to Gawker Media properties.)

Here's the first review (also my favorite because San Antonio and mongooses):
Image
  • 12

User avatar
cmsellers
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 8903
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 7:20 pm
Location: Three miles from the bat bridge
Show rep
Title: Broken Record Player

Re: Funny reviews

Postby Aquila89 » Sat Jan 02, 2016 2:41 pm

I missed Christmas, but still: Sarah Palin wrote a book called Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, about the "War on Christmas". This got many satirical reviews on Amazon: here's the highest-rated one.

Finally! At long last someone has said what has needed to be said. One brave soul has trumpeted it from the rooftops. Forget about the Iraq War with their hundreds of thousands of innocents dead. Remove your mind from worrisome drone strikes hitting children and families in Afghanistan. Our returning soldiers--battered, maimed, wounded in every human way possible, and now, most likely jobless, could not have returned from a more glorious conflict than the War on Christmas. This annual melee, swift on the heels of the Satanic orgy of demon-worship and candy corn that is Halloween, should be front and center on the radar of every God-loving, red-blooded American. While women line up for their holiday abortions and those godless gays don their stylish gay apparel, Mrs. Palin has reminded us that the fight for Christmas is the fight for our very souls. As the Pilgrims exchanged gifts with the Indians, as Paul Revere rode up and down that night to warn us of the British plans to take our guns and Christmas trees, and as Ronald Reagan reminded the Soviets when he said, "Mr. Gorbachev, it's 'Merry Christmas!", so we must take a stand against the liberazis who intend to topple the entire edifice of Western Civilization through their insistence on wishing one and all a "Happy Holiday." Being a Christian nation, the celebration of the Divine Child born in Bethlehem that cold, snowy night is the cornerstone of our republic and our society--certainly not the anti-family liberal aggrandizement of unwed teenage mothers or families with two dads. In concise, two-syllable words and plenty of illustrations, Mrs. Palin calls us to battle, Constitution in hand, Bible in the other, and the Declaration of Independence in the other against the forces that would steal our Christmases and in doing so, return to the greater, snow-white America that we love. Mrs. Palin, I doff my tri-cornered hat to you and humbly lay my godless degrees in Bible, history, and theology at your Alaskan feet!
  • 12

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
--Carl Jung
User avatar
Aquila89
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 3441
Joined: Tue Apr 16, 2013 1:45 pm
Location: Hungary
Show rep

Re: Funny reviews

Postby skooma » Mon Feb 01, 2016 8:12 am

These reviews for the $74 gallon of milk at Amazon (the only milk at Amazon) have single-handedly restored my faith in humanity. I'm scared of the actual milk, it's clearly too dangerously exciting for me.
  • 5

Skooma seems the type of person to chase me down and force me at gun point to receive their encomium with good graces. ~Jack Road

* I got caught in the crossfire of one of skooma's fucking frisbees ~Sister Morphine
User avatar
skooma
TCS Necromancer
TCS Necromancer
 
Posts: 669
Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2014 10:21 pm
Location: Stuck in your door
Show rep
Title: The Lightning

Re: Funny reviews

Postby Typical Michael » Mon Feb 01, 2016 8:24 am

http://www.amazon.com/JL421-Badonkadonk ... B00067F1CE

Warranty does not protect against Jedi attacks.
  • 3

"Typical... Michael... is a ddddddddddddddddddddashing individual!!! *BC punches self in face*" - ButtChocolate

"I'm like Batman, but instead of helping people I'm awful." - CleverDick

"In fairness, I was the one who brought up the goats." - JamesT
User avatar
Typical Michael
TCS Moderator
TCS Moderator
 
Posts: 2094
Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2013 2:01 pm
Location: The Internet
Show rep
Title: ThingMaster

Next

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests