*Note: I shall be speaking from my own perspective, results may vary from man to man*
1. What Does It Feel Like To Have Squishy Between Your Legs?
Seriously, what is that like? Does it feel like a large pendulum between your legs.
Are you worried you'll hurt it like all the time?
Well, you're asking a few things here. First of all ... well it feels like having something squishy between your legs (although it's not always squishy obviously *ahem*).
And well ... yeah sometimes it pendulates, I guess it depends on how you’re standing or moving and what you’re wearing, not to mention what mood you're in.
And lastly, YES, I am, ALL THE TIME! I'm in a constant state of worry, I've said it before and I'll say it again, external sex organs are a design flaw of evolution. I know the logistical problems around temperature, I don't care, if she could come up with electric fish she should have been able to come up with a way around that.
2. Is It Possible To Sleep On Your Stomach?
How does that work? Do you just levitate a little when you wake up?
Sure. I mean ... it's not always in a state of readiness you know. It’s usually on rest mode.
And come on, even at the best of times it lacks that structural integrity to able to do what you’re suggesting.
3. Do You Actually Like Wearing Ties?
Something tells me it's an enjoyable thing.
Even though guys claim to hate being in a tuxedo, I think they lie!
YES! I love it. I miss school days when I always got to wear one without needing a formal occasion. And you know something, I actually tied a tie all by myself a couple of weeks ago. I feel like a big boy.
Oh and I've only wore a tux twice. Both times were pretty awesome.
4. And That Haircut?
Did it really cost you $10??
Yeah, and I say 10 euro for a sodding haircut is a bloody rip-off! And sometimes it'll cost more! I've been charged as much as 12 in some places!!!! I mean, I don't wanna sound uppity but come on, it's just a few snips of a scissors and waggling a razor about. Not that hard to do, could probably do it myself, but I like giving back to the local economy, living saint that I am and all.
Do you feel like you've had a beauty treatment after a trip to the barber shop?
You're damn right I do. Feel like a mother fucking princess I does! Nothing like that feeling of walking out of the barber shop and running your hand through your new freshly cropped folicles.
5. What's It Like To Always Be Able To Play With Your Junk?
Well ... that's not really how it is. I can't literally do that whenever I want. I can’t just go fidgeting away in the middle of a business meeting or visiting my mum or waiting at the bus stop. I'd get arrested love.
You think having breasts is fun
I don't think that, I'M CERTAIN OF IT!
we can't imagine what it's like to have three things to play with in our pants.
Frankly I think you've a pretty good thing to play around with down there yourselves. I've been told stories by some of you lot, don't play coy with me.
Do you just hang out down there all the time?
Not as much as I'd like to, probably more than I should.
6. Does Your Penis Every Dip Into The Toilet?
NO! Who do you think I am? Ron Jeremy?
What happens if it does? Do you wash it off in the sink?
I suppose I would if I did … why wouldn’t I?
7. Can You Pee Without Using Your Hands?
Of course I can. Why would I use my hands, that just enhances the risk of getting pee all over them. In fact the only times I probably would would be if I’m at a urinal or something. And that’s more of a privacy thing, don’t want someone sneaking a peak for free.
THAT’S A PRIVILAGE THAT HAS TO BE EARNED!
How does that work?
It’s not that complicated, you just point and let gravity and anatomy do the rest.
If you can, by god, I think I'd rather be a guy. To be able to stand up while peeing, plus not use your hands to do it...that would be amazing.
It really is.
8. Can You Pee With A Hard-on?
I can but I won’t. I don’t fancy getting splashed in the face or having to clean up the mess afterward.
Or is that like a really crazy water show?
That's exactly what it's like.
9. What's It Like To Be Able To Eat Anything?
How does it feel to never get fat and eat whatever you want.
What? We’re the same species as you you know. That shit works the same way. We put on weight as well. And we feel self-conscious and get judged for it too.
We just don’t generally have the same balls to admit how much it bothers us too.
I hate you by the way.
No you don’t. You think we're awesome. You're right to think that ;)
10. Can You Control Your Erection?
No.
How long does it take to get hard?
That's not how it works. It's not something you consciously control. It really just happens of it's own according, it's not the most reliable of bodily functions.
Hell there'll be times you want one and it'll take it's sweet time getting there and times you don't want one and the bugger won't go away.
Frankly I think we got the worst end of this deal.
Can you count it down?
In a manner of speaking. Think Homer Simpson dealing with his co-worker Mindy.
“Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts.”
11. What Happens If You Try To Bend An Erect Penis?
Does it snap? Have you ever broken your penis? Is that even possible? Ouch!
JESUS CHRIST!
What sort of question is that? YES it would! Gah!!! Why would you put that thought in my head?
12. What's It Like To Have Sex?
Fucking awesome! Literally the best feeling in the world.
Seriously, is it like sticking your fingers into a warm apple pie?
Yeah, pretty much.
13. So It Can Be Done?
That honestly sounds terrible and easily as bad as childbirth.
What? I don’t follow you.
14. Bathroom Etiquette
No, men don't chitchat while they're peeing.
That's just gross!
These aren’t questions anymore.
Soooooooooooooooooo that about sums it up. And I feel like I’ve done my part to bring the two genders together a bit, there’s far too much division in the world today. Communication you see, that’s the key.
Does doing all this make me the greatest hero whose ever existed? Well I don’t know about that, those are your words not mine, just your accurate, accurate words.
Well that’s about all we’ve got time for, hope all your questions have to been answered to the best of your satisfactions. Good night and God bless you all.