Accurate Harry Potter plot summary

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Accurate Harry Potter plot summary

Postby Tesseracts » Fri Mar 30, 2018 6:27 pm

This thread contains spoilers. I'm not using spoiler warnings so don't read it if you care about spoilers.

If you have been on social media in the past 5 years you have probably noticed a disturbing trend. Liberals are using Harry Potter as an analogy for contemporary American political issues. You see, liberals are Harry Potter, and their opponents are Voldemort. Now I'm aware Harry Potter mostly promotes a liberal view as does the author of the books, so some analogy makes sense. However I feel that many people are using the Harry Potter comparison completely uncritically and I find it amusing. If you want to use this analogy successfully I think you need to show awareness of the absurdity of taking these books too seriously.

I recently read an article which asserts the ultimate lesson of Harry Potter, a story that takes place in 1990s ENGLAND, is REALLY all about taking away guns from Americans.

Emma Gonzalez, standing at the center of this movement with her friends, is reading Harry Potter. She has said that the fight between Dumbledore’s Army and Death Eaters at the Ministry of Magic is what they are going through right now. Their teachers are on their side, but the government isn’t interested. Their primary goal is to keep themselves and others safe, just as Harry taught his classmates do in the Room of Requirement.

The article asserts that Harry's frequent use of Expelliarmus means he's in favor of disarmament, despite his frequent use of spells that actively harm people. It also asserts the lesson we should take from Harry Potter is that teenagers are the real heroes. Unfortunately this is not an isolated incident and Harry Potter seems to be a very stubborn fixture in the American left as much as LOTR is for the right.

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The last one is funny because Dumbledore was a racist who actually did allow this to happen.

To demonstrate how poor of an example Harry Potter is of liberal values I am going to write an accurate plot summary of the book.

The Harry Potter series is about a trust fund kid who became a celebrity because the most evil wizard of all time couldn’t figure out how to kill a baby. At a young age he gets recruited into an isolationist society with a massive school which arms all teachers. In spite of his family's efforts to keep him in a school that teaches math, he chooses the school in the middle of nowhere instead.

After arriving at school a hat tried to place him in the evil dorm, but Harry decided to go to the brave dorm instead because someone evil killed his parents. At this school they engage in a pointless points based game which the evil dorm always wins because they’re rich. However as soon as Harry showed up the headmaster of the school cheated and gave out a bunch of points at the last minute to the brave kids.

Harry makes friends with 2 kids who do everything for him while he skirts by on his athletic ability alone. His smart friend starts an organization in favor of ending house elf slavery which nobody takes seriously. The magical society also practices extreme prejudice against muggles, giants, werewolves, and presumably others. Amazingly, there is a wizard KKK that is somehow even more racist and Harry spends most of his time fighting them. During their fights Harry uses tons of so-called Unforgivable Curses, a crime that is supposed to put him in an extremely cruel prison for life with no chance of parole, but he receives no punishment because he's famous. There are only 3 Unforgivable Curses, which are illegal because they torture, enslave, and kill. He uses all of them.

At the end of this war Harry dies as a result of an unavoidable prophecy. In a final act of favoritism and corruption the headmaster of the school somehow allows Harry to cheat death itself (in spite of the lesson of all the previous books being that cheating death is evil and bad and is the primary motive behind Voldemort's actions) and he achieves his dream of becoming a cop.

I hope you enjoyed the story of the magical rich cop who isn't afraid to torture, enslave and kill for justice.
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Re: Accurate Harry Potter plot summary

Postby Windy » Fri Mar 30, 2018 6:46 pm

Television and video games don't rot your brain it was books all along!
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Re: Accurate Harry Potter plot summary

Postby sunglasses » Fri Mar 30, 2018 10:40 pm

Don't forget the implied centaur rape and goat fucking.
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Re: Accurate Harry Potter plot summary

Postby NathanLoiselle » Sat Mar 31, 2018 1:07 am

This article, and goat fucking, has melted my brain. This will be my last communique as my brain has now meeeelllltttteeeeddddddddd.
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Re: Accurate Harry Potter plot summary

Postby Piter Lauchy » Mon May 07, 2018 4:28 am

Tesseracts wrote:There are only 3 Unforgivable Curses, which are illegal because they torture, enslave, and kill. He uses all of them.

I don't remember him using Avada Kedavra?
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Re: Accurate Harry Potter plot summary

Postby A Combustible Lemon » Mon May 07, 2018 7:07 pm

He tried to, but fails in HBP and IIRC OotP "you've gotta mean it boy" and all

Hmm, googling gives me a bunch of sites that say he never did, and the OotP one was Crucio.

But I swear he tries it on Snape at the end of Prince.
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Re: Accurate Harry Potter plot summary

Postby Ladki96 » Mon May 07, 2018 7:26 pm

Harry casts Crucio on Bellatrix in OotP:

Hatred rose in Harry such as he had never known before. He flung himself out from behind the fountain and bellowed “Crucio!”

Bellatrix screamed. The spell had knocked her off her feet, but she did not writhe and shriek with pain as Neville had — she was already on her feet again, breathless, no longer laughing. Harry dodged behind the golden fountain again — her counterspell hit the head of the handsome wizard, which was blown off and landed twenty feet away, gouging long scratches into the wooden floor.

“Never used an Unforgivable Curse before, have you, boy?” she yelled. She had abandoned her baby voice now. “You need to mean them, Potter! You need to really want to cause pain — to enjoy it — righteous anger won’t hurt me for long — I’ll show you how it is done, shall I? I’ll give you a lesson —”

And he tries (and fails) to cast Sectumsempra on Snape in HBP:

“Sectum —!”

Snape flicked his wand and the curse was repelled yet again;

I don't think Harry ever uses the Killing Curse :/
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