UFO Over Popocatepetl
There's a video about something flying over and into the volcano Popocatepetl in Mexico. Unsurprisingly UFO specialists are talking about it. Is it a UFO? I can't say. I called Seamus and asked him about it, but he told me that he's "an imaginary friend, not a UFO expert you stupid ass. It's my anniversary." Wanting to get more information on the subject I decided to head down to Mexico!
I arrived at the town of Amecameca in the early afternoon. My contact in France had stopped complaining about how I'd treated Pedro in Colombia long enough to set up a meeting at a small bar in town. I went up to the bartender and said, “The eagle lands at midnight.”
“And the seal barks at three.”
"...you’re supposed to say: ‘And the birds hide when it lands.’”
“Oh, wrong guy. You're looking for that bartender,” he pointed at his bigger and more menacing-looking friend.
“Oh.” I sidled up to the other bartender and whispered, “The eagle lands at midnight.”
“And the birds hide when it lands. Welcome, amigo.”
“Jose, I need information on the UFO over Popoconstiaplis.”
“God bless you.”
“I don’t have much information, sorry. I didn’t even know about it until I saw it on the news.”
“Do you know anyone who might have any information on the subject? Maybe you know some crime boss who's in the know?”
Jose looked at me funny. “Why would I know a crime boss?”
“Who wouldn’t in this town?”
“That’s a little racist.”
I looked behind me. “No, he seems pretty tall to me.”
“Ugh, look. I know a guy who can help get up the volcano. But I’m telling you now my friend, it’s suicide to get up there. His name is – “
Steve was the most white-bread motherfucker I’ve ever seen. Blonde, blue eyes, and pale skin. I don’t know what a North American man is doing in the middle of a Mexican town, but it couldn't be good.
“Hi! I’m Dr. Steven Jones. I'm here in Mexico studying the local volcanoes.”
See? Up to no good. Dr. Jones and I walked up Poposevendragonballs and the man just would not shut up. He kept on talking about magma and rocks and mythology and about some other stuff I didn’t care about. If the high altitude hadn’t made feel woozy, I would’ve kicked him in the head.
We reached the top of the volcano and looked down.
“I don’t how anything could survive in there,” he said.
“I fought demons alongside my imaginary friend once. Don’t knock it ‘till it tries to eat your face.”
“But why would a UFO dive into a volcano anyway? I’m telling you it was probably – “
I zoned out. He had a point. What would a UFO accomplish by diving in? Suicide attempt? Did a mutiny occur and the pilots lost control? Drunk driving?
The volcano shook. Dr. Jones and I barely held our ground. The trembling stopped, but the look in the scientist's eyes didn’t erase my uneasiness. Is uneasiness a word? I guess so. Microsoft Word isn’t correcting me.
“We have to get out of here,” Jones muttered.
“No shit, white devil.” I turned around. “We should run down the mountain before..."
A scream. It was inhuman, nothing like anything I had heard before in my life. I turned back to the mouth of the volcano to see a humanoid being made of magma and rock staring us down. It moved with blinding speed and grabbed Dr. Jones by the neck. I saw the man boil to death within a matter of seconds.
“Nope!” I ran down the volcano. I was halfway down when the magma being landed in front of me. He must have jumped several hundred feet.
The guy was hot. Not hot in the “I wanna do you in the butt” way, but like being around him was making me sweat. I felt as though my organs were about to melt. If he moved any closer, I would burn to death. And I forgot to bring my water bottle.
I held on to my cell phone. If I could call Seamus on time I could –
The magma man’s head exploded. I had to dodge the spray of lava. Jose stood not too far away, sniper rifle in hand. He ran up to me, grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me away. We were in his car, driving at breakneck speed away from Popomurderplace when he explained everything to me.
“That wasn’t a UFO. I did a little digging after you met Steve and found a little information. That was an angel of an ancient and unknown volcano god. The thing I just killed is one of its servants. A local cult has awakened the volcano god.”
“If it’s an unknown god, how did you know about it?”
I took that explanation.
“How do we beat it?”
“You have to placate it.”
“Is it a volcano goddess?”
“Then we’re doomed.”
Jose shook his head. “You need a sacrifice. A virgin.”
“Where is this local cult?”
Jose dropped me off at an old tavern. He gave me a bottle of chloroform, a gun, and looked at me in the eye. “The priestess of the cult is a virgin. Sacrifice her and not only do you placate the god, you also destroy the cult. We need her alive. I’ll wait for you here.”
I entered the tavern alone. The place was filled with totems, occult circles, and Saint Death imagery. The bartender nodded at me. I turned to him and said in Spanish, “I seek an audience with the priestess.”
“And who are you?”
“I know the identity of the man who killed your god’s angel. In return for the information, I ask for safety.”
The bartender nodded and led me to the back room. There, I met a beautiful Mexican woman clad in a white dress. Next to her were two large men with tattoos and I’m sure that means they were bad-asses.
“Welcome, good sir,” the woman smiled. “My name is Maria. The Church of Jorge welcomes you.”
“The god’s name is Jorge?”
“Who is the killer of our Lord’s angel?”
“His name is – SUCKER PUNCH!”
I decked the bartender behind me and shot the two body guards with a hidden pistol. Bastards should have frisked me. Maria stood up to run away, but I aimed the gun at her and told her to stand still. Then I threw the bottle of chloroform at her face. The blow knocked her out.
We were halfway up the volcano when she woke up in the arms of Jose. “Where are you taking me?”
“You’re going to sacrifice me, aren’t you?” Maria asked. I saw tears streaming down her face.
“Oh boo ho, I’m sad because I’m gonna die,” I mocked her. “It’s not like I wanted to murder an entire town to satisfy my god.”
“I didn’t want to destroy the whole town, pendejo, my cult protects the town.”
Jose stopped dead in his tracks. “But then who awoke the god?”
“It wasn’t us.”
I screamed at the sky. “4CHHHAAAAAANNNN!”
“Who was it then?” Jose asked.
“It was I!”
We turned around. It was Dr. Steven Jones himself, completely and utterly alive.
“Steve?” I asked.
Steve smiled wickedly. “I was hoping you’d sacrifice Maria so her stupid cult could stop meddling in my affairs, but that's what I get for relying on morons.”
“And what did you hope in accomplish with all of this, Steve? No seriously, because I’m fucking confused right now.”
“It’s simple. Why do you think I’m alive right now? I’m not an ordinary human. I am – “
Maria gasped. “You’re…Drjones, the ancient enemy of Jorge.”
"His name is Drjones? Seriously?"
“Exactly. I have been awakened. I knew you would get involved if you saw the angel entering the volcano. After Jose sent you to me, he went on to 4chan for information and I told him about Maria and her little cult. I told him what he told you and simply waited for you to do your thing. If I had succeeded, if you had done what you were supposed to do, Maria would have been dead, the cult would have disbanded, Jorge would have been appeased and he would have gone back to sleep. I would have been free to take over Amecameca.”
“And why do you want to take over this town?” I turned to Maria and Jose. “No offense.”
“The prophecy stated that Drjones’ invasion of the world would start with the conquest of Amecameca,” Maria said. "The only way to accomplish that goal is to put Jorge back to sleep with the sacrifice of the Head Priestess. In other words, me.”
Steve started to cackle wildly.
“How do I beat him?” I asked.
“You need to descend to the lava of Popocatepetl as we sing the song of Jorge the Pure. Then during the next six full moons, we must drink sixteen purified gallons of water. Then during the oncoming months we – “
I shot Steve sixteen times in the chest. Steve dropped to the floor, temporarily dead. I called Seamus up.
“Seamus, I need a quick way to get rid of an evil god. One that preferably doesn’t take an entire season of Dragon Ball Z to do.”
After Seamus took Steve’s corpse away, Maria, Jose, and I went back to the tavern where I made amends to the cult for killing some of their members by giving them Doritos and some Pringles. You know, an act of kindness.
I stood outside the tavern, eating a bag of chips when Maria came out to greet me.
“You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that you tried to kill me and that you nearly endangered my home town, and that you killed some of my closest friends, I would have considered you a good friend of mine.”
“Yes, but I’m not interested in you.”
“But thank you for saving my town.”
“Maria, if you ever need me, Jose has my number. But I must go. There are places that require my help and hopefully the next place won’t be in South America. Good bye Maria and farewell. Tell Jose I added him on Facebook.”
I dramatically walked away from Maria, holding my head up high.
That’s when she called out to me with love in her voice, “Stop being a pansy ass bitch!”
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