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5 Stages Of Turning Into A Feminist
By NotCIAAgent | Edited by CarrieVS | 13th May, 2016 | 9:31 pm

Day goes, day comes. Oppressing minorities, catcalling women on the weekly slut walk, committing micro aggressions to university students, sometimes planning the downfall of the communist government, etc. I lead my life like a politically incorrect(er) Grinch, except instead of ruining Christmas, my target is the Kwanzaa. Sometimes the Hanukkah, but most Jews don't give a damn about it.

That fulfilling routine keeps my mind busy most of the day, and I am quite proud of it. Still, even a veteran misanthrope like me can feel alone sometimes. Hating everyone is fun, but sometimes I just wish there was somebody at my side, to hate everyone (but me) together. And so the inspiration came to me: feminism.

As male feminists continually call everyone who disagrees with them a bunch of "virgin losers", that must mean those guys are getting all that feminist poontang, pubes dyed bright colors and all. Hell, maybe all those pick-up artists I faithfully follow were wrong all along. I am such a nice guy, and yet here I am. Maybe self confidence and constantly invading personal space is not the trick to woo the ladies, but rather, memorizing rape statistics and walking around with a Das Kapital themed case for my iPad is.

And so I decided to become a male feminist for the same reason all men decide to become feminists: to get laid with the Liberal Arts class chicks. But while I am a half assed writer, be assured that I am a full assed reader. I immediately rushed to the local library and grabbed the first book that caught my eye from the feminism section,.

Armed with my copy of SCUM Manifesto, I started the very emotional (and little rational) process of becoming a feminist, which goes through 5 stages which I will describe here.

1. Denial
When you are first confronted by the sheer amount of well researched arguments and unbiased data, in your complete shock you will refuse to believe it is true. How can 1 in 5 women be rape victims? How can sexual violence and murder be excused at courts by "boys being boys"? How can 15 million Brazilian women die each day and my country not be suffering a population decline?

The world is a dark and cruel place for women. And by world, I mean the western world. Not Islamic countries, that would be racist. But the point is that each and every single woman goes each day go through an immeasurable amount of oppression, harassment and life-threatening situations that would drive the average man to immediate suicide. The life of every woman is a literal war zone, and that will shock you. But eventually, you will come to accept it as the unquestionable truth.

2. Anger
After you come to terms with the truth of feminism, it will start to look obvious, and you may get frustrated when you're trying to educate people on those matters and they simply refuse to acknowledge that you are right. I mean, if women are making 78 cents for each male dollar, why don't we just pay women double on all the jobs to make up for all this time they were financially sabotaged? Why do we have to demand evidence from women when they are accusing a man of committing a crime? Knowing crimes against women perpetuated by men are so rampant, we should just speed things up and assume -- no -- believe what they are saying is true.

Would a woman ever lie? Do you hate women?

3. Anger
And I have fucking had it with all those woman haters around here, who are incapable of following the precepts of #ListenAndBelieve. Nobody will just #StandWithHer. Women are literally being burned alive at the stake for complaining about air conditioning, and the fucking PATRIARCHAL government doesn't do a thing! If a one man, ONE MAN, experienced what every single woman has to put up with each day, the government would go on lockdown. There would be a police state, the army patrolling the streets, to protect "muh man feelings". It is just too much bullshit to handle. I really fucking need my Tumblr right now.

4. Anger
FUCK WHITE PEOPLE. AND FUCK THE JEWS, BUNCH OF WHINY WHITE MOTHERFUCKERS SCREAMING ABOUT RACISM WHILE THEY ARE LITERALLY SLAUGHTERING POOR POC ON THEIR STOLEN LAND. THE HOLOCAUST SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED TWICE. ALL HITLER DID WAS TO GIVE WHITE PEOPLE A TASTE OF WHAT POOR INNOCENT POC HAVE EXPERIENCED SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME. AND FUCK ALL YOU HETERONORMATIVE CISSHETS TOO, I HOPE YOU ALL FUCKING DROWN IN YOUR OWN HATEFUL BILE AND DIE!

5. Acceptance
After passing out from a frothing emotional meltdown upon being exposed to triggering content (someone peeled an orange), I was taken to the emergency room. When a doctor was free to examine me, three days later, I learned I was having a bout of temporary insanity due to malaria. With my brain back in working condition, I started to think that maybe those insane Internet feminists I made fun for so long are going through similar experiences. Maybe they are just incapable of thinking rationally due to some real life distressing situations, or some pubertal desire of defying convention. Maybe one day they will all grow up and leave this extremist hateful bravado behind. Inside, they are just like us. I finally grew empathy for them.

And then I decided to write this article to shit all over them, because that's just too entertaining. Bite me.

Tags: Real Life, Humour 32


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