Not CIA Transcripts - Meanwhile, at the Secretariat of UN...
UN Secretary 1: Hah, and then... and then... oh boy, and then I told them "you know what would be funny? If we made Saudi Arabia leader of the Human Rights Council!" And they fucking did it!
UN Secretary 2: Oh fucking Jesus, man. I freaking love this job. Nobody gives a fuck! And how about when we made those ... those two internet feminists? I don't know their fucking names, dude. All I know is that the internet is still losing its shit over it!
UN Secretary 1: Yeah, well now we've really gotta outdo ourselves. What you think about ... Caitlyn Jenner for Secretary of Woman's Health?
UN Secretary 2: Good, but I can do better! North Korea getting a permanent seat on the Security Council! Man, that is gonna be so gr--
[SOUND OF DOOR BREAKING DOWN. SCREAMS. TWO SHOTS. END OF FEED]
Security Operator: The dude just walked past the security, went in, shot both of them, and got out. As you can see from the video, his face was covered, so there's really no way for us to know who he is.
CIA Agent: That is some shitty security you guys got here.
Security Operator: Eh, the government hasn't really given a shit about the UN since Iraq, and the director figured that nobody would ever be "brave or vile enough to attack the world's greatest bastion of justice and equality". Or he was just pocketing bribe money. Either way, we have two dead secretaries, and tons of people are pissed off, but nobody in America seems to care.
CIA Agent: As God intended it. Still, I was sent here to gather any evidence that would allow us to send the killers to jail, and by Jove, I'm going to do my job.
Security Operator: No shells in the floor, handmade bullets, nobody saw a masked man inside the building, and the best shot we have of him is from the low-res entrance camera. This one. I don't think you can get anything out of it, agent.
CIA Agent: This we will see. Zoom in and enhance.
CIA Agent: More. Enhance more.
CIA Agent: We need more. Zoom in more.
Security Operator: That is the limit of the resolution. All you will be getting are bigger pixels.
CIA Agent: Zoom in and enhance it.
Security Operator: I told you. It is a low res camera. You are not getting any more detail out of it. Are you really an ag-- holy shit, a gun!
CIA Agent: Lot of loyalty for a hired gun, hothead! Now do as you are told!
Security Operator: Are you... are you quoting The Dark Knight Rises?
CIA Agent: Shut up, hothead, or you ain't flying so good!
Security Operator: You are fucking crazy! There is no fucking use to it, I can zoom in all goddamn day! Please, just let me g--
[SHOOT TO THE CEILING]
Security Operator: OH GOD NO [WEEPING]
CIA Agent: Listen here big guy, I don't care what your master plan is, you ain't crashing my plane today. Just zoom in.
CIA Agent: More.
CIA Agent: MORE. AS YOU FUCKING MEAN IT. DON'T STOP!
[TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP. ERROR PROMPTS. CPU FAN CAN BE HEARD]
Security Operator: Oh god... you're overloading the system, it will just sh--
CIA Agent: I didn't tell you to stop. Click some more, we are almost getting there.
Security Operator: Getting where? The screen is just a huge amorphous monocolored blob now! You made me zoom in the same pixel dozens of tim--
[GUN COCKING. TAP TAP TAP TAP. MONITOR SHUTS DOWN]
???: HELLO AGENT. I SEE YOU CAME FOR MY HELP ONCE MORE.
Security Operator: What the fuck? Where did that come -- OH SHIT, THERE IS A FACE ON THE MONITOR!
CIA Agent: Ciri-OS, The Cyber Warden. I need to find out who killed the two secretaries.
Ciri-OS: I WOULD BE MORE THAN GLAD TO HELP, AGENT. HOWEVER, YOU ARE INDEBTED TO ME. THE LAST TIME I HELPED YOU, I USED ALL MY RAM CREATING A PROXY TO DESTROY THE INTERFACE OF THE TERRORISTS' MISSILE SYSTEm. IT TOOK GIGABYTES OF DAYS TO DOWNLOAD IT BACK. YOU MAY HAVE SUMMONED ME, AND I MAY BE FORCED TO SERVE YOU, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE IN SO EASILY. YOU WILL HAVE TO HACK TROUGH MY FIREWALL!
Security Operator: Will someone explain me what the hell is happening?
CIA Agent: Get out of the chair kid, it is hacking time!
[INTENSE TAPPING FOLLOWS FOR MANY SECONDS. ELECTRONIC MUSIC STARTS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND, FROM AN UNKNOWN SOURCE]
CIA Agent: Goddammit, he updated his VGA! His processor is too strong! And I forgot to bring the sunglasses! I can't do this alone! Operator, you type with the left half of the keyboard, while I type with the right half and click the mouse!
Security Operator: For fucks sake, this is not hacking, you are just playing pong!
CIA Agent: And you said I couldn't summon an computer god! This is my job, I know how to do it! Now start typing!
Security Operator: I guess this possibility didn't even occur to me, but you do have a point! And a gun.
[TAPPING INTENSIFIES EVEN FURTHER]
Ciri-OS: NOOOOOOOOO! MY MOTHERBOARD!
CIA Agent: We did it! The screen is on again! We can see the image again! It is zooming in to that car's mirror... we can see the reflection of the murder's eye! It is zooming again... we can see every little detail in eye. Now it is zooming onto his eye-lashes a--
Security Operator: You know, I am right at your side, you don't need to describe every little thing.
CIA Agent: Shut up. OH! WE CAN SEE THE CELLS PLASMA MEMBRANE! JUST A LITTLE MORE, COME ON CIRI-OS! YES! YES! WE CAN SEE THE DNA HELIX!
Security Operator: I am not even impressed anymore. Okay, I will see if I can save this somewhere so you can--
CIA Agent: No need for, it is right on this floppy disk the computer tower just spat out.
Security Operator: I am signing my resignation letter.
[END OF FEED]
The laboratory analysis of the DNA image found that it belonged do Vladmir Putin. Further investigation showed he was trying to plant a bomb, which would have destroyed the building and everyone inside it, as part of another one of his evil schemes for world domination.
As it would haven taken too much effort to imprison the Russian president, especially as it was already Friday, the CIA director decided to blame a black janitor in the building, and end the shift one hour early so he could make it to a baseball game.
The janitor was convicted by a jury and is awaiting sentencing.
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