Not CIA Transcripts - Meanwhile, in Iraq...
ANDERSON: HQ, this is Squad Leader Anderson. We have a problem here.
SAMANTHA: HQ, Lieutenant Samantha Johnson talking. Report.
ANDERSON: We have found a device in the village's road. It seems to be electronic. I am sending the video feed.
SAMANTHA: Humph... looks like an IED to me. Goddamn terrorists. Cordon the area, we are s--
ANDERSON: Excuse me? What did you just say?
SAMANTHA: Repeating. Your orders are to cordon the area, we are sending an expert to def--
ANDERSON: No. You said the "T" word.
SAMANTHA: The... the what?
ANDERSON: You know very well what I am talking about. This little horrible, terrible word used to oppress poor Islamic immigrants. By using it, you are doing nothing less than spreading out the islamophobic culture that is plaguing the west.
SAMANTHA: What the... Terrorist? Is it wrong to call whoever left an explosive to blast a squad of marines to smithereens a goddamn terrorist?
ANDERSON: How can you be so sure it is an explosive? Maybe you are, I don't know... being RACIST and assuming it is an explosive because your anti-Islamic bias is speaking louder than reason!
SAMANTHA: I don't know, maybe because it has an electronic display counting down, AND IT'S STRAPPED TO AN 80MM ARTILLERY SHELL!
ANDERSON: What if it is just a clock?
SAMANTHA: ...Can't you see the fucking artillery shell, you--
ANDERSON: The western intervention turned this whole place into a huge war zone, maybe these were the only materials a little poor kid, maybe called Ahmed, found to build this clock, to show his engineering teacher. But this kid has to run away when your IMPERIALISTIC TROOPS started to attack and destroy his village, and he dropped his precious clock in the run!
SAMANTHA: How the hell did you become a marine?
ANDERSON: Lowered standards for females.
SAMANTHA: Look, baby, I would remember if there was a transsexual assigned to my command.
ANDERSON: I identify as a woman.
SAMANTHA: (Deep, audible breath) Look, boy--
ANDERSON: Respect my pronou--
SAMANTHA: SHUT YOUR BITCH ASS MOUTH UP! Take your standard issue knife, and cut off the wires. It looks pretty primitive, and if my bomb--
SAMANTHA: ...BOMB disposal training is not rusty, you can get rid of it by just cutting the wires with care.
ANDERSON: I refuse to destroy Ahmed's clock.
SAMANTHA: I refuse to believe you are being serious right now. The display is showing little more than a minute: you are risking your and your squad's lives.
ANDERSON: And you have shown to be quite a bigoted person. I refuse to step on a little boy's dreams to one day become an engineer. You are everything that's wrong not just with the military, but with Western society.
SAMANTHA: TWENTY FUCKING SECONDS, ANDERSON. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL EVERYONE TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS.
ANDERSON: I just KNEW you were a fundamentalist Christian. I bet you also are going to vote for Trump. You are racist, homophobic, and I bet you are internally misogy--
SAMANTHA: OH, JESUS, IT IS GOING TO BLOW!
ANDERSON: ... I knew it was a clock. Hear that beeping? Just an alarm clock.
SAMANTHA: This can't be fucking real.
ANDERSON: We are going to keep this somewhere safe, and take it back to the base with us, then try to find its owner. Oh, and leave a report for the High Command about your... problem with Muslims, Mistress Samantha. Have a good day.
SAMANTHA: Crazy ass cracker.
(END OF FEED)
Three hours later, Anderson's squad was ambushed by terrorists and annihilated. The High Command increased the sector's risk level and ordered complete carpet bombing of the village, razing it completely. 12 casualties, no terrorists identified among them. Reports show they moved to the next village.
The mission was considered a resounding success.
• Aziz Ansari Accused of Assaulting Anonymous Admirer
• Is it complicated to say "No" to men?
• Oprah Winfrey for President?
• Things you can say both during sex and at a family dinner