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How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse (Updated)
By Phighter | Edited by Phighter | 16th October, 2015 | 6:56 pm

In 2013, I wrote an article for The Comment Section about zombies and what to do in the case of a zombie attack. It was never published, mostly because I'm forgetful. The year is 2015 now, and as someone who has thankfully gotten smarter, I think it's time to take out the Sharpie (in the form of this bold, red text) and do some revisions, because 2013 Phighter was dumb. And for some stupid reason, he didn't include pictures, so I decided to add some of those too, because I know my audience.

Eyes forward, please.

For those who haven't seen Michael Jackson's Thriller or AMC's The Walking Dead, it's safe to assume you haven't watched The Walking Dead (honestly, who has? My Netflix queue is stuffed right now with shows like Horse Jackoff and Truthdevil) zombies are reanimated corpses with a hunger for human flesh. Seriously? It's brains. They have a hunger for brains. What zombie have you ever seen yelling "FLESSSSHHHH!" Goddamnit, is the rest of this article going to be this way? Their plans are to satisfy their hunger by eating you, your family, or loved ones. *Your/their brains. Once you are a bitten by a zombie, you become a zombie as well, leaving this problem to only grow exponentially as more hungry zombies are created. Luckily, zombies are rather ineffective monsters by themselves, as they can only walk, and cannot fly, change shape, or operate machinery. Just say they can't do those things. Use the apostrophe. You're just writing for the Internet, not English class.

Some zombies are pretty good at Instagram, though.

Unfortunately, zombies band together in packs like wolves. If the first five zombies don't get you, zombie philosophy indicates that the seventh, eighth, or ninth might. Zombie philosophy? Really? Who do they study? Sobrains?

One of the basic rules for a zombie apocalypse is to find a weapon of choice. Zombies can only be stopped by damaging or destroying their brains. Resist the urge to choose a weapon that relies on fuel or ammo, such as any guns, chainsaws, or lawnmowers. Here's a question: why are you planning on using a lawnmower in the case of the zombie apocalypse? Really? A lawnmower? I guess if it's a ride-around mower you might kill, like, twenty zombies, but if you're just pushing a lawnmower... honestly, you might last because the zombies are going to avoid you. You and your clear lack of brains. Or you'll just be dead and stupid. Probably that option. Once fuel or ammo runs out, the weapon simply becomes a giant paperweight, although I've never used a lawnmower to hold down some papers. I'm just going to assume it isn't very practical and zombies aren't made out of paper. Also, these weapons are bad to use, like my phrasing here too, because of their volume. If you've ever been woken up by a lawnmower on a Saturday afternoon, apply that to the zombie scenario. It'd be the equivalent of sounding a "Come eat me" siren. But it's a great siren to sound at your boss. Feel free to test.

For added effect, do it sans-pants.

The second rule to worry about is where you are in relation to the zombies. As realtors say, "location, location, location". Avoid crowded areas like the plague, historically speaking, the plague did NOT avoid crowded areas. Did you know it still exists today, by the way? That's your fun fact to tell your coworkers when you get done this lunch break so stay away from sporting arenas, malls, and generally large cities. Look, I get it. NFL tickets are expensive, but stay away from the arena. You might be able to get a refund after everything settles down. The more people there are in one area, the more zombie food there is in one area. If you can relocate to a cold or hot area, then do so. Again, the phrasing here is very, very awkward. But what's worse is the implication that you can just fly out of the zombie apocalypse. No. You are not booking a flight on American Airlines during the zombie apocalypse.

Or really any other time of year. Trust me on this one.

Zombies' bodies are at risk to fall victim to putrefaction, which means that heat spreads the growth of bacteria. Can you tell that I googled what the hell that means? Because I googled that. I've reread that definition five times now. 2013 me did NOT know what putrefaction means either. If you've seen any Law and Order episode where the crime scene technician can tell how long ago the death was, it's because bacteria has gotten to the body, causing it to swell. This rotting process actually eventually causes zombies to explode, unfortunately, you don't get to experience this part because you'll be a zombie before then, so looking into a nice warm-weather locale for zombie season may not be a bad option. As for the cold, human bodies are made mostly of water. Assuming that zombies don't "bundle up" for winter, but you're screwed if Joe down the street got bitten during the winter when he was bundled up, the horde would start to become Zombie Pops the first time that it became cold enough. On a non-weather related issue, remember that the environment has natural zombie-proof barriers, as well as man-made ones. If you can get up a mountain, though statistically speaking, if you're an American, this is probably not an option, or an office building, then you have an advantage over the stumbling mob as you are elevated above them... until they also get up there. Because, you know, you don't have wings.

These don't count. Also, now you can see why you're not getting up a mountain.

Major rivers and canyons also are natural zombie killers, as zombies would simply fall into them and die. Even if the zombies are advanced enough to figure out to stay away from those two locations, and after a while, they will figure that out, trust me, they don't have infrared vision, meaning at night they'll still fall for nature's traps. The good news for zombies is that at night the female ones will finally be able to walk on the street by themselves.

Lady zombies, you've got that goin' for you, which is nice.

The last rule to remember is to keep your head in check during the zombie outbreak. So if you already have anxiety, sorry I just made it worse! Panic will do you no good, but once you see a stream of zombies, you very well may panic. Let's be honest here: YOU WILL PANIC. This is best solved with a plan, so if you don't have a plan, take the time to make one now, actually, finish the article first: you're almost done... and then share it on Facebook and comment below, and then maybe get a snack... damned wings... but remember to adjust. It is foolish to assume that we'll know everything about these zombies immediately, so like a coach on game day, come in with a plan, but don't feel angst if you have to change on the fly. Feel it if you're a teen adjusting to changing times in your life. Actually, if you're a teenager, the zombie apocalypse is a fine time to feel angst. Also, you must be able to make emotional decisions in the calmest way possible. Chances are that your family, friends, and that special person that you're going out with have become zombies.

"That special person" only counts if it's not physically attached to you.
Sorry, teenage boys. Keep feeling that angst.

Do not keep them around, as you will find yourself easily bitten. Sure, it may be very hard to aim a weapon at someone you love, but storing a zombie and waiting for some kind of cure is a hopeless thought when a horde has discovered your location. In other words, be prepared to shoot your mom. Sorry, Mom. Love you. If you are struggling to do it, hand the weapon to a friend and have them do it. Unfortunately, they, as in the person you're shooting, though it might not be a bad idea to shoot your friend too, just to be on the safe side have fallen victim to the zombie apocalypse, and this is a precautionary measure to assure that you don't suffer the same fate. Instead, you get to suffer the emotional trauma of killing someone you care about instead. Isn't that special?

Failure to follow this advice could lead to a life lasting about as long as Dana's movie career after The Master of Disguise.

With these zombie tips, your chances for survival have just increased ten-fold. I gave you a whopping three tips. One of them is extremely impractical. Also, I told you no guns, and then told you to shoot your mom. I'm not even following my own advice here. Come to think of it, they weren't even tips! They were rules! If you see someone who you believe isn't informed, feel free to pass this information along. Also, you should inform all of your friends because if you liked this I may write more. And if this information fails us all, and you're a zombie on a computer reading this, brrrraaaaaaaaains....sigh.

Phighter is a college student studying things completely unrelated to zombies. His writing has hopefully improved since 2013, but you certainly couldn't tell by looking at his Twitter. He would like to dedicate this to the family members he ends up having to put down during the zombie apocalypse.

Tags: Humour 9

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