Love of the Craft
Aidan, it has been a long time since I've last seen you. I apologize for this, dear Nephew. I have been obsessed with my work ever since my team and I discovered that sunken temple. During your years at the university, I studied every glyph, every hallway of the building hidden in the Trench, and came across things man was not meant to know.
Now the fruit of our labors is right outside my cabin door.
There are things out there, Aidan. Things that predate humanity. Powerful things. And one of those things has killed my entire team. I am the only one left. Even now, as I write this letter instead of running away, it is scratching my door.
Nephew, Aidan, know that I love you. I raised you like one of my own after your father's death. I hope you do not follow your foolish uncle's footsteps.
No! The beast broke through the door! Instead of fighting it back, I shall continue writing! No! Back foul, beast! Back, Shog'fhadfgadgfad'blue! No!
Wait, let me put this letter in an envelope! Goddamn it, man, I know you're a tentacled monster, but show some manners!
There! Now you may kill me blllarrrrgh!
Aidan stood in the lounge room of his dormitory floor, reading the letter. His ex-girlfriend flirted with her current boyfriend at the corner of the room. He tried to ignore them as he read his uncle's letter, but it was difficult. His other friends tried to get them to stop, but they didn't listen.
He shut them out and read the letter. Since reading about the Old Ones is enough to make someone go crazy because reasons, Aidan dropped the letter and screamed.
"AUUUGH I'M CHANGING INTO SOMETHING BLURBRBRBRBRBRBRB!"
Aidan transformed into a green orb of flesh, the size of a car, huge and long tentacles slithering around the room.
Cara, Aidan's ex-girlfriend, jumped up in excitement. "Yes! My tentacle-hentai fetish can finally be fulfilled. Aidan, will you take me back?!"
Aidan responded by grabbing Cara and lifting her up in the air. She screamed enthusiastically as Aidan ripped off her clothes.
"Yes!" Cara yelled. "Take me, oh Great One!"
As Aidan and Cara had naughty tentacle sex, Cara's now ex-boyfriend frowned. "I don't have tentacles."
Cthulhu rose from the ocean. Now was the time. The time to reclaim the Earth from the human roaches. Now was-
What is that? Something heading Cthulhu's way. A lot of somethings heading Cthulhu's way.
Cthulhu didn't have the chance to yell "Shoggoth" when the nukes struck.
Miles away, as the mushroom cloud signaled the abomination's death, two high-ranking military officers high-fived each other.
Two men hid in the basement of the house. Outside, in the dead of night, the worshippers of the Old Ones, searched for them, holding pitchforks and torches.
The two men, scientists, came to this town to study the marine life only to discover the cult. Now they needed to escape.
"I can't believe this is happening," one man said. "I can't believe it."
"I can," the other man said. "These people are mixed breed. These aberrant, negro types-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Racist, much? Ring, ring, why hello, eighteen-hundreds. What's that, you want your racism back? I'll let him know."
"So," Jane said as she stood near Ariana, who sat at the edge of the roof, smoking a joint, "Cara and Aidan are back together."
"Yup," Ariana said nonchalantly.
"Aren't you, like, upset?"
"Why? I'm glad they're back together."
"No, I meant like... there are alien things that make us look less than insignificant in the grand scheme of things! We're like ants to these entities that murdered Aidan's uncle! Aren't you going a little crazy over that?"
Ariana took a drag before continuing. "As an atheist, the idea that we're insignificant specks that were accidentally splurged out of the primordial ooze in an uncaring universe is something I've faced for years. The idea that we're nothing in the grand scheme of things while bigger things happen all around us is a fact of life. When I first stopped believing, that very idea kept me up late at night, but nowadays I mostly yawn at the idea than wake up in a cold sweat over it. Such an idea may be scary back then, but nowadays, it means nothing to an ever increasing atheistic population."
"Don't care a bit about it, love."
"...wanna have hot lesbian sex?"
Ariana tore off her clothes. "Do I!"
• Aziz Ansari Accused of Assaulting Anonymous Admirer
• Is it complicated to say "No" to men?
• Oprah Winfrey for President?
• Things you can say both during sex and at a family dinner