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The 4 Most Stupidest Things on the Starbucks Secret Menu
By Deathclaw_Puncher | Edited by MeatPuppet | 26th August, 2015 | 9:34 pm | ETBJ's Incoherent Ramblings

ETBJ's Incoherent Ramblings
If there's one thing hipsters love, it's one-upping each other. If there's another thing hipsters love, it's Starbucks. So naturally, there's nothing hipsters should love more than one-upping each other at Starbucks.

Frappuccinos? They're good to flow.

So now, what with Starbucks releasing a mini Frappuccino size that's $3.95 for a whole 10 oz, as well as 6 new Frappuccino flavors, what better way to commemorate that than to look at the true art statements of a twenty-something in blender drink form? Now, don't get me wrong: there's nothing wrong with a little customization. Hell, I've contributed to the site myself, but a lot of these recipes are so over the top, they make Raúl Juliá's epic performance as M. Bison look like Ben Stein.

Just throwing this in here, just because.

So without further ado, here are the craziest items from the Starbucks secret menu!

4. The Oatmeal Cookie Raisin Frappuccino

Base Price: $8.70 for a tall

Have you ever had the urge to blow $9 on an opportunity to slurp up pulverized raw oats through a straw? Well, Hillary S. apparently did when she came up with this eldritch concoction. Note that this involves actually blending a packet of raw blueberry oatmeal into syrupy milk. Yes, this contains an allergen that most Starbucks locations would refuse to put into a blender. On top of making jaws permanently lock up at the thought of pulverized raw oat in a creamy frozen beverage, this very well could get a barista fired or make someone sick. But of course, someone willing to pay $9 for a 12 oz drink is most likely so intent on getting ALL the attention, Rachel Dolezal would tell them to turn it down a notch.

She's translatte.

3. The Wing Nut Frappuccino

Base price: $7.95 (grande)

This one may seem a little out of place here. I mean, it looks decent enough, with peppermint, cinnamon, and toffee nut, and you get a little more bang for your buck. So what exactly is wrong with this one? Well for starters, this thing is diabetes in a 16 oz cup. Everything that gets thrown into this drink taps out at just a little over 100 grams of sugar. And then there's the matter of the supposed process that goes into it. The recipe is annoyingly precise with two of its toppings: the sea salt and the caramel.

The recipe calls for "3 shakes of sea salt topping (easy on the shakes so it doesn’t get too salty)", (because that's not prone to complaints and subjectivity at all), and for half a sample cup size of caramel, thus requiring the barista to go to great lengths to open a fresh pack of sample cups (which, after the one is used, is going to be entirely wasted), pour some caramel into said sample cup, and dump it onto the drink. There's complex, and then there's mission-given-to-Ethan-Hunt complex. You might as well ask, as part of the order, for the barista to dance the Caramelldansen and rub their nipples with a cheese danish while a genderqueer Niuean dwarf hits them with a hockey stick.

And don't forget to vajazzle the moose!

2.The Honey Nut Cheerios Frappuccino

Base Price: $4.75 for a tall

From Lucky Charms to Cookie Crisp, there are quite a few breakfast cereal-inspired items on the secret menu, because actually eating your cereal is apparently too mainstream now. To be fair, most of these are easy to grasp (Cap'n Crunch is strawberry and hazelnut, and Lucky Charms is white mocha and marshmallow), but then there's the conundrum of the Honey Nut Cheerios Frappuccino. The caramel ribbon crunch topping is only available in the summer and early fall, because nothing says a nice refreshing summery treat like honey flavored oat rings. It just doesn't fit. It sounds like something inspired by someone accidentally shoving their bran cereal into the freezer after they had to resort to storing their cereal in the fridge on account of an ant problem. Honey Nut Cheerios are good and all, but that's not exactly the texture you'd want in a drink.

Be happy! Be healthy! Be orally confused!

1. The Sunrise Slush.

Base price: $4.35, the barista's dignity, and possibly your life

If, for some reason, you absolutely needed to make a barista hate you, this would be the way to do it. This drink looks simple, but it requires a whole Ayn Rand ramble's worth of instruction to make. If you thought the wing nut was needlessly complicated, this is that tenfold. I'll let the recipe speak for itself:
1. Fill refresher cup to the tea line with half passion tea and half berry hibiscus refresher
2. Blend
3. Fill smoothie cup to the first line with orange mango and add peach syrup (2 pumps tall, 2 grande, 4 venti)
4. Blend
5. Fill cup with refresher blend first, then smoothie blend and top with raspberry syrup (1 pump tall, 2 grande and venti)

Yep, this recipe requires that the barista first blend the passion iced tea with the berry hibiscus refresher, set that aside, then blend the orange mango juice with peach syrup, set that aside, then layer the latter blend onto the former blend, and then douse the whole thing in raspberry syrup. Why the complicated process? I'm sure that if you were to just order "passion tea to the first line, berry refresher to the second line, orange mango juice to the third line, two pumps peach, and blended with raspberry syrup affogato, it'd still taste exactly the fucking same. Sure, it'd still be a lengthy order, but you'd come across as less of an ass. Maybe the point was a layering effect, but that's sort of rendered pointless by the raspberry syrup. The only possible explanation is that the guy who submitted this has a weird complex where nothing can be blended together. One time, when I was perusing the olive bar at whole foods, I was straining the excess liquid on the ladle back into its bowl, and this neurotic guy tried to tell the staff on me, hysterically shouting, "HE'S CONTAMINATING THE OLIVES!!!!!". This guy must be that guy.


Tags: Real Life, humour 18

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