Season Breezin': Stupid Cults of Stupidheads
Between Aum Shinrikyo, Satanic school sex clubs, and creepy isolated towns, anime is no stranger to cults. But for every menacing Hellstar Reminaesque doomsday cult or chaotic evil religious order, there are always a few that are essentially just a handful of lifeless schmucks.
Like this, but anime.
Anyway, here are the stupidest anime cults:
The Neo-Children (Golden Time)
Golden Time is a neat full-season anime based on a series of light novels by the author of Toradora!. The series is centered around Banri Tada, an amnesiac college student trying to move on with his life after an accident, and Kōko Kaga, a young, rich woman who needs to learn to live for herself. After perusing through a club fair, they come across a woman handing out flyers for a retreat. Said resort turns out to be sponsored by some cult called the Neo-Children, a group of hipstery college students who worship the fact that they grew up in the 21st century because spirituality and magic crystals.
Now, as someone who's almost 21, I get having some pride in growing up in the 2000s. We grew up with Xbox, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Kids' WB, and better internet. But actually turning that into a religion is just stupid and pathetic. It's essentially the cult version of saying that iPhones prove your intellectual superiority over the peons that buy Androids. The biggest question this cult raises is just what the hell are their sermons like? They show an introductory sermon at the retreat being given by some dude about the crystals. But what are their normal sermons like?
"Blessed be my being between the ages of 18 and 22, for bestowing upon me Zero Suit Samus' boobs in my teenage years. Amen. And now, for the holy commandments of Tumblr..."
Lifeless Nerds and Cat Otherkin (Asobi ni Iku yo!)
Asobi ni Iku yo! is a 13-episode 2010 anime series based on a series of light novels. It is essentially one of those "magical girlfriend" animes where an average schmuck winds up with an alien or supernatural love interest who fixes up his life for him. Anyway, the series follows Kio Kakazu, your average high schooler anime protagonist, who ends up befriending an alien catgirl named Eris.
Also, he has a tsundere childhood friend who's being trained by the CIA for some reason despite being a teenager, because anime.
This anime features two cults that are essentially the two most lifeless organizations ever to be depicted on TV: "Beautiful Contact" and the "Underside of Kitten Paw". Beautiful Contact is a cult devoted to making sure that humanity's first contact with intelligent alien life is, well, beautiful. And by "beautiful", they actually mean "will end up meeting aliens that are exactly like how they are portrayed in Earth's pop culture."
In other words, they desperately need Vulcans to be real, because why let anything be imagination?
They view Eris' existence as blasphemous because they see her just some fetishy catgirl alien instead of some legit alien from pop culture.
Above: Not a fetishy catgirl alien from pop culture.
As for the other cult, the Underside of Kitten Paw, they're a Tumblresque cult of cat otherkin that plan to kidnap Eris and worship her as a god. They wear nekomimi cosplay as part as their ceremonial garb and pine over the fact that humans evolved from apes instead of cats, because fuck opposable thumbs.
The Student Council (Yamada-kun and the Seven Witches)
Yamada-kun and the Seven Witches is a series that starts out really fun and just turns stupid. It follows a high school delinquent named Ryu Yamada who ends up switching bodies with the class representative Shiraishi Urara after accidentally kissing her via falling down a flight of stairs.
And thus, a stock hentai plot breaks into mainstream anime.
As it turns out, Urara is one of the school's "seven witches", a group of seven students who have acquired supernatural powers triggered by a physical act such as a kiss, headbutt, or handshake. Not only that, but the school's student council is well aware of this and is essentially a cult. There is a magic ritual dependent on the witches all being gathered in one room. Whoever gets the witches to stand in a magic circle will be granted a wish, and so the student council keeps the witches under wraps to prevent the possible abuse of this ritual.
Okay, so what makes them a stupid cult, you ask? Three words: exaggerated teen drama. Witch powers are acquired by students who are especially angsty. The student council goes through a lot of angst to keep them a secret, and yet, the whole ordeal could be put to rest by little more than a decent school counselor.
But why get therapy when you can risk a hilarious "Where No Man Has Gone Before" style mishap?
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