Let's Go Adventure!
Yesterday, I reviewed the game Super Amazing Wagon Adventure, and today I’m going to take you on an adventure in my amazing wagon. An adventure that is nonsensical, not entirely in order, and features lots of buffalo. All the buffalo. Shall we begin?
It is also the story of buffalo.
So before we start an adventure, it is crucial to pick a crew that is suited for the task. And in a video game, picking a crew means naming your characters.
Because everyone needs a shaved pussy, a big black cock, and a nice pair of tits in their life.
Like many an adventure in video game land, our adventure begins in a forest. Since we’re going on a long journey, it’s important for us to stock up on animals to eat along our way. Never know when we’ll run out of animals. (Spoiler: We’ll never run out of buffalo, but the poor sods in the wagon don’t know that yet.) So of course this means that Dick sets off to hunt some dear, squirrels, and unicorns. Typical food stuff. Wait, what? Unicorns?
Unicorns are such a rare sight that they are even hard to see in a video game. Which is to say I don’t know why my screenshot turned out shitty. We’ll just say it’s because the bumpy wagon trail fucked up the shot.
It should be noted that unicorns are violent bastards that don’t like people. Especially not people that are trying to eat them. Thankfully, I had a gun that shot blocky bullets. We shall have a magical feast tonight!
After some time of hunting, we managed to find a river. We cooooouuuuuuld use the wagon to ford the river and traverse across it like normal people, but that’s work. Instead, let’s try to jump over it. Yes, I’m going to jump a goddamn wagon over a goddamn river. It’s simply efficiency. We get a running start, and we jump…
Totally a thing wagons can do.
Sailing through the air, the wind in our hair, it’s like driving down the freeway with the windows down. Except more than a hundred years before freeways are invented! This is how the cool kids ride. But will we land safely on the other side of the river?
Why yes, I am riding on a triceratops in outer space. Why do you ask?
And a gust of wind sucks the wagon up and deposits us in outer space! Somehow, we can breathe the air! And my wagon has been replaced with a triceratops! Because fuck you, that’s why. But it’s all good, for you see, the triceratops lets me throw dinosaur eggs that explode with baby pterodactyls that home in on enemies. Who the hell would be attacking me in the surprisingly breathable world of outer space? Asteroids, duh. Because those apparently orbit the Earth now.
We travel along in outer space for a while, battling the evil killer asteroids with newly hatched pterodactyls. After some time, our wagon manages to break free from orbit and randomly falls back to Earth. Miraculously, the fall doesn’t kill us, which makes as much sense as anything else in the last two paragraphs. Even more amazingly (or less so, whichever), our wagon lands on the other side of the river we were trying to jump across earlier. And while we spent months travelling in outer space, we never did have to ford the river, thus avoiding that work, meaning that in the end that little diversion was a success. Plus, now we have this badass triceratops to ride upon.
And with our badass triceratops we ride into the great plains. And by “with our badass triceratops” I mean he is mysteriously gone and we now have a wagon with a trained hunting falcon instead. These things just happen.
You may be wondering what one may find in the great plain. The answer, as always, is buffalo.
Also, apparently Pussy died. Don’t ask me how. She just did.
But what to do with all these buffalo? Why, the answer is simple: Call in a plane to carpet bomb their sorry, furry asses to a hot, fiery death.
Because this is apparently a thing I can do, which somehow fails to kill me, despite laying waste to the hordes of savage buffalo all around me.
And Pussy is apparently alive again. Don’t ask me how. She just got better.
And now that I have rained down fiery destruction to the buffalo, I may once again continue on my quest safe and unhindered. Let us… wait… what is that? Oh, what the shit?
Pictured above: The wild buffalo in its natural habitat. On fire.
It seems my carpet bombing of the plains has had unintended consequences. Namely, the consequences of everything being on fire, including the buffalo, which are now angrily charging my wagon. While on fire.
The adventurers do their best to run away from the buffalo, but before they can complete their escape, a tornado sucks them up. Much like space, this manages to not kill them, somehow. Unlike space, there’s buffalo.
Picture above: The wild buffalo in its natural habitat. Flying in a tornado.
Efforts to escape the ferocious winds are futile; all that can be done is chucking pterodactyl eggs at the buffalo and show them who’s at the top of the food chain (because for some reason my badass triceratops is back).
Eventually, the tornado dumps me out of itself as if I were the Metamucil it chugged on a dare earlier that day, and Mr. Badass Triceratops and I land in another river. This one is a bit deeper, and it’s too late to jump it, so we swim underneath it.
The quick wagon change is merely a fake out to the sea creatures. Can’t let them know I’m riding on the top of the food chain quite yet.
Mmhmm mmhmm, piranhas and poisonous jellyfish. Quite the pickle, but I have pterodactyl eggs to fend them off with. So while a danger, hardly the worst threat one could face. At least it’s not motherfucking buffalo.
Oh for fuck’s sake…
After managing to finally fend off and escape even more buffalo, the group managed to finally make it to the other side of the river. It was a nice, grassy area, with a mountain a little farther ahead. The group settled down for the night to rest up before continuing their journey.
Can’t say that’s really a surprise.
Apparently Pussy was looking for a little bit of Dick action before continuing their journey the next day.
Damn right she did.
By the looks of things, she apparently got it, too. Plenty of it. I wonder if Tits was jealous?
Pleasantries and genital bonding aside, the group now needed to traverse up the mountain. Like many mountains, the upper regions of it were cold and covered with snow. Unlike most mountains, it was near an active volcano. And because everything always goes wrong, the bloody volcano picked just now to go off.
Did Tits die? Did she leave in a jealous rage, she too longing for Dick’s touch? Or did Dick and Pussy get rid of her so they could be together forever? Whatever the case, she is no longer with us.
And apparently the triceratops is no longer with us. He probably drowned in the last river while fighting buffalo. Guess he wasn’t so badass after all.
But alas, whatever had become of the others, Dick and Pussy had no time to wait around, for they had lava to outrun. And ran they did. Ran so far and so fast that they escaped both the lava and land itself.
Yes, the dumbasses rode off a cliff. They were probably too busy fucking each other to pay attention to the road. Probably didn’t even notice the lava.
Of course the buffalo followed them off the cliff. Dive-bombing them from above in an attempt to kill them all. But falling through the air was all anyone could do, buffalo, wagon, genital bumpers, or otherwise.
Eventually they landed in a river, ready to flee the buffalo and head to the promised land (or wherever the hell they were going). They continued along their way an- Hey! What the shit? Did it… did it just glitch out on us?
Either a glitch or a bad acid trip.
Apparently it did. The group’s travels and efforts against the buffalo menace were all for naught, for life itself had glitched out on them, forcing them to reset. They had travelled long and hard, but instead of finding new lands, they were merely fucked. And like many, their journey ended, not in the way they had wanted, but in an unceremonious and unexpected demise. Merely fucked.
• Aziz Ansari Accused of Assaulting Anonymous Admirer
• Is it complicated to say "No" to men?
• Oprah Winfrey for President?
• Things you can say both during sex and at a family dinner