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I Wrote This Just to Get Clicks & Make You Angry
By Dr. Ambiguous | 3rd June, 2015 | 6:26 am

There is something beautiful about the internet, many things really, but perhaps the most beautiful is how you can make a living from angering those you depend on for you paycheck. It’s not that this can be done in spite of you angering them, but you can earn a paycheck because you piss off these people.

I can write an article saying nothing of worth and people will read it. They will talk about it, and they will tell others how worthless it is, who will in turn read it and do the same thing. This is a fine and lovely thing, but you sell yourself short as a writer if you don’t aspire to more. I am an ambitious man, and I won’t settle for money by doing nothing. I’ll go out of my way to piss people off and earn even more money.

I am the man who writes not for your benefit, nor even your entertainment, but for your rage boner. I give you all the hate porn you need, and you’ll use it to angrily masturbate yourself to an orgasmic rage.

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OH MY GOD, DID THAT MOTHERFUCKER JUST INSULT THE AVENGERS! *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap*

I suppose I should back up and explain to you how our interactions work. I’m the one working a customer service job, serving you your food. Except that instead of pretending to like you, I spit in your food while you stare at me with your mouth agape, and then laugh in your face as you shamefully eat it anyway.

Through it all I feel no guilt or shame for what I’ve done. On the contrary, I revel in your anger, for to me you are merely a worthless cunt. I will tell you and the world of all the horrible things you are, even if they aren’t true. For my goal is to upset you enough that I can line my pockets with the lovely green that you turn in your Hulk-like rage. So I will troll, lie, and misrepresent you for my own purposes, and you will be whatever sort of scum I need you to be. You are a liar, a murder, a rapist, and a thief. You are a hate filled misogynist, sexist, racist, homophobic bigot. You are the bile spewing Batman that my Gotham needs.

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This is what you are to me.

Likewise I will say whatever I need to piss you off. I will intentionally misrepresent your side, neglecting facts and spinning my own version of the story. Not because I care about the issue, but because I desire your anger. I will tell you why the things you like suck, and how you are an idiot for enjoying them. How the social issues you care about are merely the inane ravings of a child who hates women and thinks they deserve to be raped.

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Batman is a child molesting faggot, Dr. Who is for the uncultured masses, and gamers binge watch rape porn of their favourite female characters.

You could leave and go elsewhere, there’s plenty of other sites on the internet. You could just not click, but that title is so tempting. Dangling its sexy little bait in front of your eyes. You’ll click, it’s an addiction, but I’m the one that enjoys your high. It’s an abusive relationship, but not only do you keep coming back, you never even leave. No matter how many times I beat you, and then berate you for it.

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Stop being such a whiny little bitch. It’s not my fault you let me hit you.

Perhaps you’re still reading, just waiting for your chance to jump down to the comments and tell me how much you hate me. Maybe you jumped there as soon as I said that Star Wars and Star Trek can both eat a bag of moldy dicks, since neither have ever produced anything of worth. But it doesn’t matter, I won’t care, I enjoy your rage. Even if you left after the first word, you still clicked, so I still get paid for this shit, because of you. The angrier you are, the more money I can spend buying overpriced coats made with fur from baby seals that were clubbed to death by underpaid immigrant workers. And it's all because of you, not that I appreciate it.

So dear reader, I want to say one thing in earnest to you, fuck you.

Tags: Humor, Clickbait, Trolling 44


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