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4 Tips on How to Stripper
By Arakiven | 29th May, 2015 | 4:03 pm

Alright so, using an old TV, VCR, movies from your childhood, a pedal powered generator, several boxes of Spam, and a Cold War bunker made of several feet of concrete and your grandfather's paranoia, you have successfully survived an apocalypse style event! I want you to give yourself a pat on the back, because not many people are capable of surviving the Eruption of a Super Volcano/Nuclear War/ Fire from the Heavens/ Giant Space Rocks/ Zombie Apocalypse/ Epidemics/ Rapture/ Every Electronic on Earth Suddenly Not Working for Whatever Reason. In fact, not many people did survive and most of the people you have ever loved are probably dead. Also there’s no Wi-Fi in the Post-Apocalypse

I’ll give you a moment to get over it.

This is your life now

There is some good news though. While you were lounging in your bunker, watching the Lion King and snacking on canned meat, the rest of society was busy rebuilding itself. So when the fateful day finally came that you had to leave the safety of your bunker and set foot unto the barren fields of death that used to be the surface world, you found not just a lifeless wasteland, but a lifeless wasteland where settlements dotted the horizon like oases of hope in the desert of despair.

However, your poetic view of these ragtag ‘settlements’ is torn apart faster than a bird getting sucked into a plane’s engine when you realize that humans are still pricks and have developed another form of currency that you will need if you want to survive in this world. So you decided to get one of the most reliable jobs in history, stripping!

Because as the old saying goes, “as long as there are people on the Earth, someone will want to watch you get naked.”

While your past job as a used car salesmen did not get you much experience in the art of removing your clothes for cash, you should fear not! For I have observed a great many doing just that, and am willing to pass on what I have learned to you…

Tip #1, The Booty

Both men and women agree, the booty is one of the most attractive parts of a person. It is what inspires singers to sing, artists to art, and creepers to stare for an uncomfortably long time. Be honored, my young student, for that booty that they are staring at is yours. You just have to learn how to use is.

The first thing I want you to do is make sure you have a booty. If you do not, please follow the steps below.

Step 1: Panic.

Anyway, those of you who do have booty need to learn its curves and become familiar with its weight and movements. Once you have done this you need to bend over and stick it behind you. Now move your pelvis in a reverse thrusting like manner and rapidly clench and unclench your glutes. Do this slowly at first and gradually pick up speed all the while swinging your hips. Keep practicing this until your booty is shaking like a Polaroid picture and members of the opposite sex start flocking to your area. The booty shake is one of the oldest mating calls in human history and, when done properly, can make anyone man’s Anaconda want some or moisten any girl’s rainforest.

(I am so sorry for that last analogy.)

Tip #2, The Removal of Clothes

Whenever you start one of your ‘shows’ it is KEY that you start it wearing clothes. If you don’t, you are a disgrace to strippers everywhere and should be stoned for your crimes. Stripping is quite literally the art of removing ones clothes. Strippers make money off the anticipation of them being naked. Your goal while stripping should be to take as long as possible. Fumble with the buttons on your shirt, untie your shoes before taking them off and neatly bundle your socks. Fumble with your belt and zipper, then gracefully trip over your pants as they get caught at your ankles, swearing the whole time.

By the time you finally get to the good stuff, the crowd shouldn’t care what it looks like. They just spent 2 hours watching someone struggling to remove their clothes, all they want to see is some nudity, even you could provide that.

Tip #3, Sexy Noises

While I’m sure your sexy, sexy body that has been surviving on Spam for the last couple of month-years can bring anyone to an instantaneous orgasm just by looking at it, there are some people who will demand more from you. Specifically the blind.

This is what blind people claim to see

In order to please the blind, it’s not enough to just look sexy, but to sound sexy as well. Most strippers use the basic moans and sighs to accomplish this. However, you won’t dominate the market by mimicking the competition. It is a little known fact that the ‘sexy moan’ is not the sexiest noise one can make. That title goes to yodelling.

phpBB [video]

Indeed, yodelling is so effective at sounding sexy that it is believed that the Sirens in Greek mythology did not sing, but yodelled. Learning how to effectively yodel would not only make you the most successful stripper in town, but also the most cultured. You can further enhance the mood by having one of the local beggars learn to play one of these.

Good luck finding an Alphorn in the Post apocalypse though…

Tip #4, Lap Dances

Alright listen. I’m not going to sugar coat this, times are tough for everyone, you included. It isn’t easy to survive in the post apocalypse, and sometimes you’ll have trouble making ends meet forcing you to do things you wouldn’t normally. I’m just letting you know that no one is judging you and you have no need to feel ashamed, you’re just trying to survive.

Whenever someone asks you for a ‘private dance’, you’re going to take them to a room in the back and lock the door. The room should be empty except for a chair in the center and have easy to clean tile flooring. Tell your customer to close their eyes, then stab at their throat with a sharp object. Try to cover their mouth as you do so to minimize the noise made and wait for them to stop moving. Take any valuables you find and dispose of the body in whatever way you see fit (sinking it in a lake, placing it in a barrel of acid, burying it, stuffing it and mounting it to the wall, etc.) This should be where most of your money comes from, but is also highly illegal and will probably get you killed if caught. So be careful.

Congratulations! You now know everything thing you need to know about becoming a successful stripper! With some practice and these tips, no one is going to be able to resist the urge to watch you get naked!

Tags: apocalypse, humor 28

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