Elaborate Plots -The Long Awaited Development Hell Escapee
A long while back, I ruined improved some classic video game titles from when the games were simple, one-screened, and played for scores. Now there's a TCS renaissance (TCSsaince?) a brewin', why not return to this series of 4-8 bit buffoonery? Without further ado, here are some more elaborate plots given to simple video games!
Premise: With Yoshi's assistance, Mario traps enemies in the halved shells of Yoshi eggs, tetris style, before they go over the line at the top, sometimes switching the rows around. Unlike Tetris however, the game is incredibly boring and misleading.
Pictured: the crushing realization that you just wasted $10
The improved premise: Notice the boxes around the caught enemies? Those are cages. Why are these Mario enemies in cages? Because Mario is a mad scientist, and Yoshi is his assistant. Mario has been studying the effects of pressure on the body in order to subside his allergy to touch. After Mario's stomping research went nowhere, he force-fed his captives shrinking mushrooms and started trapping rows of them between the shells of Yoshi eggs.
You're one sick bastard, Mario!
The Premise: Asteroids is a simple Atari game where you shakily pilot a triangular ship all over the place. Your journey towards... somewhere...is hindered by the badly drawn playing card clubs that fly at you in a lazy fashion, leaving gaps so far apart only your janky steering makes you hit them.
A ship shaped like this isn't dodging anything any time soon.
The improved premise: Captain Reginald Scalenius Isosceles is a starship captain left stranded in a broken vessel by the ongoing Splorp invasion. With nowhere to go and a depleting oxygen supply, our dear captain has only hours left and he's the only one left alive on his ship. In a bout of desperate insanity that's slowly eating away his mind, he begins shooting at asteroids miles and miles apart from each other, thinking they're part of a Splorp fleet. unfortunately for our dear captain, a Splorp vessel is hovering above his ship.
Also, this guy is approaching.
The premise: Qix is yet another Atari game from 1981 with the simple premise of having to fill up 75% of the screen with a hodge-podge of histograms before flashy traveling balls of pixels ram you from all possible areas of the screen...
...and not in the good way.
The improved premise: The happenings on screen are actually all part of a battle between two incomprehensible Eldritch horrors from deep space. The mass of red and blue lines in the center is Ai'delxszcarairn, Lord of the Empty Space. It has been launching energy bombs for the past 7 billion years at its great foe, Zeescora, the Hell Queen of Quantity, bent on taking over the Multiverse with the evil that is Statistics!
They have been fighting, and will fight, for aeons, but in the end, only one entity will emerge victorious:
Banner image from P924s88 via wikimedia commons
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