4 People that Prove Anyone Can Be Famous in Spain
We already know TV in Spain is crazy, but how crazy can it get? These four examples show that everything you read about in my previous article was only the tip of the iceberg:
4. Aramís Fuster
It is without a doubt a tragedy that even in the 21st century, someone can pose as a witch or fortune-teller in order to profit from the ignorance of (mostly) old people. In Spain, we like to take those things to the extreme.
The arrival of digital TV means that there are a lot more channels and as a result, more programming time to fill up. So how do these TV networks occupy those hours? Well, clairvoyants, obviously.
They even found a job for Tommy Wiseau’s brother
Nevertheless, people like this have existed for quite a number of years. Here’s where I introduce you to the self-appointed “World’s Greatest Authority in Occult Matters,” Aramis Fuster, a “witch” who, for the last twenty years or so, has based her life on being really fucking insane.
Well... there she is.
Aramis became famous in the UK for a nanosecond, for sleeping with James Hewitt, a man who'd only made a name for himself in the past for his foible with Princess Diana. Fortunately for the sanity of the entire UK, only the Daily Mail noticed. Maybe Aramis was using her invisibility cloak?
I could write an entire article with her statements, so I’ll only mention some.
“I attended Count Dracula’s wedding, I am 689 years old.”
“I’m on the same perfection plane as angels.”
“I own the Holy Grail, since I’m a descendant of a templar knight.”
“I don’t use underwear.”
“Most governing houses in the world have a talisman with my face on it.”
Like, what the fuck can I add to that? For all that I know, she’s telling the truth. No one can say things like that with a completely straight face unless they are true. That's why I'm a little worried about saying mean things about her, she obviously can and will destroy me and this forum if she ever finds out.
There also seems to be some kind of controversy regarding her hair. Not only does she affirm it, “grows three inches every month,” which is faster than it does for regular, puny humans, but she also states that her religion, the so-called “Aramlogy” (obviously she made it up), forbids her from cutting it. But this photo...
I don’t know why I expected her to make sense.
Where could it have gone to? By this point, I'm likely to actually believe it gained its own sentience, realized the head it was on, and then jumped off to begin its own career of telling fortunes on daytime TV. It's no sillier than the alternative.
3. John Cobra
You know how we take Eurovision very seriously, except for... you know, that one time. Ok, we don’t take it seriously at all. Still, we have some limits.
We never learn. When Chikilicuatre won the audience’s hearts and earned a spot to participate in the contest, some purists complained, but what could be done about it? It was Spain’s decision! Are you going to fight that? Who are you, Franco?
Yes, I only name-dropped Franco so I could post this video, what’s wrong with it?
Then the Internet phenomenon, alleged neo-nazi, and all-around thug John Cobra appeared, and the Internet fell in love with him. What was the next step? Of course, Eurovision.
He tried to compete in 2009, but to no avail. But by the following year, he was already pretty well-known as a charismatic performer... ok, no, I'm lying, he’s awful.
This sounds like someone fed cigarette ashes to a gremlin after midnight, then taught it how to rap. This... piece is allegedly a love song dedicated to his girlfriend Carol. Remember that for later, ok?
When it came to the public poll, a popular internet forum decided it would be funny to vote for him, just for shits and giggles. He got enough votes to get to the final phase; that is, performing the song on live TV.
They probably didn't think about the fact that everyone else fucking hated the song:
The crowd started booing him about thirty seconds into the song, and his continuous babbling and bad rapper antics certainly didn't help. This was possibly the worst live performance ever, so when the end arrived, the audience in the studio wasn't exactly happy with him. As he kissed Carol passionately, the booing intensified.
Then, at exactly 3:26 in that video, John Cobra lost his shit and started grabbing his crotch on live TV, telling everyone there to, "Suck my dick," on his way to meet the jury. The host did a perfect job of keeping her cool while the rapper offered his wang to anyone in the audience who wanted it. In a moment of self-awareness, he apologized, asked for some respect...then grabbed his crotch again as the audience shouted in unison, "Go away! Go away!" He started dry-humping the air and...well, watch it for yourself.
Anyway, he was disqualified from the competition and no one ever heard about him again. Until Carol stabbed him in the leg in a domestic dispute after he threw her possessions off the window that same year, that is.
2. El Koala
Remember that scene from Inception where Leonardo DiCaprio says something like, “You know you’re in a dream when you’re in some place and you can’t remember how you got there.” Well, this is a little bit like that, but nothing at all.
Thing is, no one really knows how El Koala became popular. It just...happened. I can’t even give a reasonable explanation for it.
So well, this is the guy:
The kind of person who can wear a cowbell.
He had made himself a name in some circles, apparently, having played in some bands before hitting it big. Then he figured that it would be a good idea to turn into the stereotypical hillbilly and sing songs about building pens for “chickens,” “kittens,” “partridges,” “birds,” “pigs,” and “foals.” Like some fucking Noah’s ark for farm animals. Of course, you English-speaking bastards don’t know, but he’s singing it in the worst freaking accent ever.
His success was basically unprecedented. The song “Opa, yo viacé un corrá” (or in better Spanish, “Papá, yo voy a hacer un corral,” or, in English, “Dad, I'm going to build a pen”) is one of the most watched videos on YouTube. And of course, it was as sophisticated as you can imagine.
I've watched the video dozens of times and I can’t think of anything to add to that. In fact, when my dad noticed I was seeing it, he said (I kid you not) that I needed to go to the psychologist.
Judge for yourselves
1. Flos Mariae
This girl group is the latest YouTube sensation in Spain, and probably one of the most unlikely. They even have a sad origin story, to boot!
The Bellido Durán sisters are part of an extremely active Christian family, so when their mother fell ill, seven of her seventeen children made a promise to God: if He helped her get better, they would devote their lives to preaching His teachings...WITH SONG!
Unfortunately, they didn't take into account the fact that virtually none of them knew how to sing. So when their mom recovered, the phenomenon began.
They dress like they are living in Galilee
There’s a lot of things you can say about their first song, “Amén,” and not a lot of them are good. Beginning with the first verse:
As a slice of cheese
prisoner in a sandwich
That’s actually the official translation, they took the time to subtitle their songs to make their message reach every corner of the world. Isn't that commendable? Add a funny lisp to that verse, and you have God-tier material.
With their questionable vocal and lyrical talent but an admirable passion (not to mention their unbelievable production values), they were condemned to go viral. And of course, they did.
Completely appalled by growing rumors about their authenticity, they released a video dismissing them. In their words: “We are surprised that some people, instead of reading information directly from our website, choose to believe whatever comment they read or hear.” Because that’s not how everything on the Internet works, is it?
When they were offered TV slots, they flat out refused; it’s not their intention to make a living out of music. And after listening to them, I think that’s for the best
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