3 of the Most Unintentionally Homoerotic Moments in Film
3 of The Most Unintentionally Homoerotic Moments in Film
It may shock and arouse you (I’m assuming you’re already aroused since you’re on the internet and probably have a few other kinds of tabs open) to know that film making is hard. It takes quite a lot of time and effort into constructing the finished product, taking care to craft each scene carefully (unless you’re Michael Bay, in which case the script is just a post-it note with ‘explosion, rinse and repeat’ written on it). Unfortunately sometimes, for whatever reason, scenes can take on a whole new context when they are adapted and, much like the macho cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain, they can take on decidedly homoerotic undertones after repeat viewings.
Why so bi-curious?
For the uninitiated, Bloodsport is the 80’s-iest martial arts movie in the history of the known universe (for all we know, there’s a planet somewhere in the solar system that created a movie comprised solely of cocaine and round-house kicks). It tells the real* account of Frank Dux, a fight choreographer and “martial artist” who entered a mysterious and secretive fighting tournament in the back arse of nowhere, to demonstrate that he could karate anyone’s kung-fu better than they could taekwondo his muay thai.
*Really real, 100% totally not at all bullshit because Frank Dux says so and you should trust everything he says because he’s a jeet-kune do master who was the first person to officially introduce the foot to the arse. They have had a love-hate relationship ever since.
Along the way, he fell in love with a fellow competitor; a love that was more forbidden than the tournament they were fighting in. Forest Whitaker (with the infuriatingly, unpredictably spelled name) appears as well, inexplicably.
Nobody expects Forest Whitaker, especially not this guy!
Or at least that’s what Bloodsport heavily insinuates, anyway. JCVD meets his soul mate with long blonde hair around 15 minutes into the movie, after he has already participated in one montage.
Introducing Donald Gibb – The forgotten Bee Gee.
He also meets some blonde reporter lady that Bloodsport makes some vain attempt to convince us is the true object of his affections.
She lacked the necessary amount of beard.
JCVD spends the rest of the film avoiding The Whitaker, pretending to romance this reporter and sharing long lingering looks with Donald.
They couldn't even hold conversations without staring longingly at each other.
There’s also a lot of fighting as well, since this is a martial arts movie, including Jean-Claude going toe-to-toe with a young Paul Galvin, before he found a place where his ability to kick the shit out of people could truly be appreciated – the football pitch.
That’s it, keep making jokes no one outside of Ireland will get.
This all comes to a head when the villain of the piece, Bolo Yeung, hospitalises Donald. This tragedy spurns on JCVD to avenge him, which is followed by the homoerotic scene in question. You can just feel the intensity as both of their pent-up feelings are on the brink of spilling out. Looking back on Bloodsport, you can really see that JCVD and Donald were made for each other. They were there for each other every step of the way and with this new found context the film becomes a love story in its purest sense. I’m tempted to make the ‘Still a better love story than Twilight’ joke but fuck, these guys were a better love story than Leo and Kate because I know for a fact that JCVD would have made space on the driftwood for Donald.
I’ve been told the original ending was Donald being carried away in JCVD’s arms as Joe Cocker played in the background.
Note: If you haven’t seen Bloodsport before, then I highly recommend that you do. It’s probably my favourite martial arts movie due to the many scenes of genuine comedy, unintentional comedy, and ridiculous martial arts.
2. The Lost Boys
I want you to cast your mind back to a time that fashion forgot. When men were metrosexuals masquerading as women, vampires didn't sparkle, and Kiefer Sutherland wasn't known for holding in his piss for 24 hours straight. I want you to enter, The 80’s.**
I hope you like Madonna!
**I’m aware that Bloodsport was 1988, so technically you've already ‘entered’ the 80’s but I’d appreciate it if you could humour me. Take a step back, close the door, and then politely knock on the door to the 80’s and let yourself back in. Thank you.
The 80’s was a masterful time, when any idea dreamed in a cocaine-fueled stupor could be turned into a film. The Lost Boys, directed by Joel Schumacher, was a fairly typical 80’s film, full of crazy ideas, realistic special effects and the two Coreys. Joel Schumacher, whose first two efforts were similarly high concept affairs, was keen to make his mark on the film and, oh boy, did he succeed. The homoerotic scene in question occurs near the start of the movie, while most teenage boys in the cinema were probably cutting out the hole in the bottom of their popcorn bucket. Jason Patric, who would not be propelled to global stardom for another decade when Speed 2: Cruise Control changed the way we viewed cruise ship movies; long before Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard would try to utilise this formula for horror movies, stars as a moody teen who recently relocated to a sleepy beach community of Santa Carla with his younger brother (Corey Haim) and divorcee mother. Sounds great, except the place is just lousy with vampires. And greased up, half-naked saxophonists. Schumacher saw fit to include a completely unnecessary bit at a concert where Patric creepily eye stalks his love-interest to the soothing tones of Sergio playing the shit out of a sax on stage while Haim enthusiastically follows the hardcore sax. We wouldn't see Jason Patric this hot and bothered again until being eye-fucked by Ray Liotta in Narc. This scene is so ridiculous I dare anyone to watch it and keep a straight face/sexuality.
Unconfirmed reports suggest this was the preferred method which Clinton used to seduce Monica Lewinsky.
It may not seem like a huge transgression on the directors part, but surely there’s a time and a place for shirtless saxophone men? The place being something other than a vampire movie.
This movie has a serious lack of sax.
The rest of the movie picks up from here, as Jason Patric is vampirised by lead vampire Kiefer Sutherland, then humanised again over the course of an hour with the help of his brother and his friends. Thankfully, this is the only homoerotic bit to pop up…
…oh. Shit. Now that I think about it, Patric does gain his vampirism by drinking a mysterious liquid offered by Sutherland. Hmm. Well, at least The Lost Boys is the only film Schumacher made that included homoerotic imagery.
Joel Schumacher “The suits, they need nipples.”
“Nipples? Well you’re the boss. So that’s nipples for …George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silversto-“
JS “No, none for her. Now get to work on Alfred’s assless chaps.”
Right, fuck it. I’ll never enjoy another Joel Schumacher film again! It makes me wonder what his other films are like if you look out for the homoerotism. Moving on…
I bet Kiefer Sutherland wasn’t even wearing pants when he phoned in this performance.
3. Top Gun
You knew this was coming. There’s a reason so many consider this scene to be so homoerotic. Top Gun sees Tom Cruise spend an entire movie trying to show everyone how recklessly awesome he is at flying fighter planes. He goes through a fairly standard character arc – training, romance, topless beach volley ball, loss, and redemption. Yes, sandwiched between all the melodrama and karaoke is a scene that tries to showcase the intense rivalry between Cruise and Val Kilmer contrasted with his beloved friendship with Anthony Edwards. Instead, it shows numerous sweaty, shirtless men posing in jeans or skimpy swimming trunks to the tunes of Kenny Loggins’s “Playing With the Boys”.
This scene is an entirely different sort of danger zone.
Witness the start of the video, where Cruise initiates the volley ball match by sniffing his opponent. Gaze upon Cruise’s bold choice of beach wear - full length jeans. Smirk as Anthony Edwards repeatedly pleads with Cruise to continue the match “for me”.
Just the tip?
It’s funny that such a homoerotic scene should feature Tom Cruise because
ENTRY FINISHED DUE TO LEGAL REASONS
So, the next time you’re watching a classic like Naughty Pool Boys 3, I want you to take a step back and consider that there could be some subtle homoerotic imagery going on right under your nose.
Bob is a zombie. You probably could have guessed that, if you had tried enough. I am not even sure if he wants your brains, anymore.
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