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JamesT's Improved Classic Beginnings: Part 2
By JamesT | 8th August, 2013 | 1:35 am

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JamesT's Improved Classic Beginnings

Part 2


(Link: Part 1)


And we're back! For those of you just joining us, Sneaky Hands Tom had just stolen some dough from a bunch of homeless bakers as I distracted them. Of course, to distract this bunch of bakers, I took the openings to famous works of literature and mangled them beyond recognition made them a whole heckuva lot better! You know, made them more exciting and what not. Unfortunately, they caught on pretty quick. Sam has been captured, they're doing god knows what to him, and I am currently being chased by an angry mob that uses day old baguettes as billy clubs.

So, while I'm running for my life, I thought I'd entertain you all with some more wonderful words!


The original:

"He rode into our valley in the summer of '89. I was a kid then, barely topping the backboard of father's old chuck wagon..." from Shane by Jack Schaefe.

The JT improved version:

He rode into our valley in the summer of '89. I was a kid then, barely 30. But by golly I would have my first kiss that summer. God willing I'd get a summer job too, and gather up enough money to buy a bicycle—the shiny red kind you can ride around and everyone will think it's just keen. And maybe, in a decade or so, I would get enough money to move out of mom and dad's basement. That would be a long time though and I didn't really think much of it, then.

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Unfortunately, rubber and metal makes for a lousy first kiss



The original:

"I do not like green eggs and ham..." from Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss.

The JT improved version:

I do not like green eggs and ham. I only eat food that is teal, purple, brownish red, or burgundy. And if it's ham it has to be cut into ten identical pieces, or I won't even look at it. Don't get me started on eggs; they're always so sloppy. Anything less than a perfect circle makes me flip out

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No matter how many times I try to make it more round, it just breaks!



The original:

"We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold..." from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson.

The JT improved version:

We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I do my little turn on the catwalk...on the catwalk" Damned if I could remember what it was from, but it was getting into my mind and laying eggs there like an infestation. "Catwalk...on the catwalk..." I knew that if I could just remember the chorus, the song's title would be bare to me like a hooker with no standards.
"I'm too...too sexy...That's it!" I screamed, turning to my attorney, a 300 pound Samoan by the name of Captain Cosmo, "I'm Too Sexy (For My Shirt) by Right Said Fred!" He looked at me and we both understood the import these words had.

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...and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark—that place where the sexiness finally broke and rolled back.



The original:

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents..." from The Call of Cthulhu by H.P Lovecraft.

The JT improved version:

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to truly understand just how far the rabbit hole goes when it comes to internet porn. Just when you think that you've seen it all—every last depraved, disgusting, absolutely horrid thing that there could possibly be, you come upon something even worse. And it is impossible to truly comprehend how bad it gets. It's truly bottomless. Pregnant fisting? Old hat. Now we're at a man ejaculating on to a litter of puppies. And that's the soft stuff, pal.

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The mad alien gods from beyond the stars opened their slavering mouths in unison to utter a single word: ew.



The original:

"Sam Vimes sighed when he heard the scream, but finished shaving before he did anything about it..." from Night Watch by Terry Pratchett.

The JT improved version:

Sam Vimes sighed when he heard the scream, but finished stabbing her before he did anything about it.
"Jeez," he mumbled, "what's up your bum?"
The corpse said nothing, and that seemed to Vimes an awfully rude way to behave. Here he was, doing his best to make her feel welcome, and she just goes silent the moment a knife plunges into her chest a few dozen times.
"The nerve of people these days. They have no sense of decorum."

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I am TRYING to be a gracious host, madam.



The original:

"A screaming comes across the sky..." from Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon

The JT improved version:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! OH GOD WHY DID I AGREE TO TEST THE HUMAN CATAPULT!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAA-*splat*



That sure was a hoot and a holler, wasn't it, pals? I'd love to stay and chat but the angry mob has found me and croissants are currently being shoved in places they really shouldn't be shoved. But don't you worry, I'll be back to improve some more openings as soon as I get out of this jam!

...Oh god no they have a giant tub of jam!!

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Tags: Humor, Classics, Literature 26


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