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Elaborate Plots Given To Simple Video Games
By Deathclaw_Puncher | 29th July, 2013 | 12:22 am | ETBJ's Incoherent Ramblings

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Elaborate Plots Given To Simple Video Games


Back in the early days of gaming, most video games didn't have plots or a variety of stages. Well, there was a variety, but that was basically just different colored backgrounds. Sure, there were multiple levels and different enemies, but games never really went beyond the confines of the screen. It got harder and harder until you became an alcoholic, your wife left you, your kids stopped calling, and you died.


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Thankfully, this was an accessory.


I have taken the liberty of ruining improving these classic games by giving them more elaborate back-stories.

States(Cartridge 6)

Premise: As it was a Magnavox Odyssey game, players would stick the overlay of the game they wanted to play onto the TV and then load up the cartridge. One person would use the primitive controller to move the rectangular light cursor to one state, and the other person would then have to name that state. Seriously, that's all it is.

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It is unlikely that anyone has ever enjoyed playing this game sober.


Here is the Prima guide, $19.99:



The improved Premise: The guy with the controller is the international terrorist, Magnus Vox. Obsessed with geography and batshit insane, Vox believes that if he doesn't murder-punch 5 million people in ten years, he will be hunted down and killed by a wild pack of nonpareils.

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If you cannot locate Rhode Island on a map, we will find you, and we will kill you!


Player 2 is Detective Pleebles McPlupperton, an unfortunately named man obsessed with bringing down Vox. As part of Vox's latest nefarious scheme, he has kidnapped McPlupperton, chained him to a couch rigged with dynamite, and is forcing him to correctly name every state on a blank map or else he will blow up the Empire State.

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Hello, I'd like you to locate California!


Pacman

Premise: A drug addicted, yellow disembodied head eats pills, fruit, and ghosts. Sometimes, he even dresses up as a toilet.

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Drugs are a hell of a thing.


The improved Premise: Ghosts have stolen Pacman's cherries. Pacman has been trying to overcome his addiction to prescription drugs by eating cherries, instead. Why did the ghosts steal Pacman's cherries? They wanted revenge for being chomped on repeatedly for 33 years and know how easy it would be to get Pacman off the wagon.

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Also, they were jealous of the amazing kissing skills that he acquired.


When Pacman found out that the ghosts have stolen his totally-not-drug-laced cherries, they retaliated by kidnapping his wife and son.
Ransom money in mouth, Pacman approaches the ghosts. The ghosts then proceed to come at him with knives.

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No word on what happened to Chomp-Chomp, though it is rumored he fled in the confusion and became addicted to heroin.


Ice Climbers

Premise: Twins Popo and Nana climb a mountain while eating vegetables, killing pterodactyls, evading icicles and lightly hitting giant fuzzballs on the head.

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Seriously, these things don't die. They just run off-screen when you hit them.


The Improved Premise: Popo and Nana are a pair of Japanese twins that were kidnapped while on a trip to Nepal by a human trafficking ring. Managing to escape, they stole some coats , mallets, and mountain climbing equipment before ultimately getting lost in a snowstorm. They ended up falling into a crevice, their fall being broken by a horde of fuzzball creatures. The twins try to climb up, but are spotted by a pterodactyl.

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Who knows, maybe it's friendly?

Tags: Restructured, Video Games, Humor 27


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