A Day In The Life of Debbie: HR Troll
The morning gong sounded from her enchanted time stone.
A deep and bellowing sound echoed through the cave as Debbie removed herself from her resting hollow deep within the H.R. cave. T’was a secondary branch of the H.R. cave that doubled as her living quarters. It may have seemed strange to some, living inside one’s office, but it was a stipulation in her contract she insisted upon when hired by The Contracted Magic and Marauding Offices of Deephenge. After all, they already had a perfectly good cave. No reason to relocate, she had said. That and, as much as it pained Debbie to admit, public transportation was still lacking in accomodation for trolls. She’d broken quite a few carriages, magic rugs, and buses in the past. It was all rather embarrassing and she’d not like to go through that again thank you very much.
She rolled her arms back and forth a few times to loosen up the muscles and then rolled the stone door out of the way. The H.R. cave at The Contracted Magic and Marauding Offices of Deephenge was now open!
She promptly left the cave in search of the noxious black potion that Kevin, her administrative assistant, called coffee.
“I don’t care if it’s your custom, in this office all males are required to wear a shirt and tie!” Debbie growled at Gorm, the Barbarian. He showed up wearing naught but a fur loincloth, leather cuffs, and boots once again. He was why Debbie kept a XXL white dress shirt and pink tie in her bottom desk drawer.
“Krawlash, the Janitor, is not required,” Gorm spluttered out.
“Krawlash is a gelatinous mound. We don’t even know IF they have a sex, let alone if they’re capable of wearing clothing,” she yelled back, “Wear the damned shirt and tie. I don’t CARE if it clashes with your furs. If you don’t like it, find a tailor that makes furred and leather ones.”
Gorm muttered as he left, with said shirt and tie.
The goblin in front of her shifted his eyes in many directions, looking frantically for a way out. For good reason. This was his third time being caught stealing company property.
She hefted her club while pacing back and forth, “Zerrix, as you know The Contracted Magic and Marauding Office of Deephenge is owned by dragons. The union had to negotiate very hard to even get them to allow for not issuing this penalty the first time. This is not something I wanted to do, in fact, I hate having to draft letters of condolences to families. Do you have any living family?”
The goblin didn’t speak. Only shook his head slowly no.
“Oh good. That makes this so much easier.”
Formalities aside, Debbie promptly bashed the goblin against the H.R. Cave’s wall. This act in itself was the proper completion of form HR-27 Termination Due To Stealing.
She poked her head out of the entrance, “Kev-in, could you be wonderful and get me a pike? I have a new head to post as a reminder of the infractions for violation of company policy 495. Th-anks.”
Kevin handed Debbie the nicely sharpened pike she had asked for, when she noticed it. She frowned. She, of course, understood why he was wearing it but it simply was a minor violation of the Equal Opportunity for All Races act and could not be allowed.
“Kevin, you know you can’t wear garlic. It violates E’OAR,” she sternly reminded him as she stuck Zerrix’s head firmly upon the pike.
Kevin looked rather sheepish as he handed over his garlic necklace to Debbie, “I know it’s a violation, ma’am, but I swore Count Yorslav was eyeing me up yesterday.”
“Should he attack you, we have company apothecaries. Look in my top drawer, there’s a collection of various totems and religious icons that you can put on your desk for use as a company acceptable ward. Now then, do you think the pike with Zerrix’s head should to the right or the left side of the desk? Be honest.”
“The left side, ma’am. More of an impact statement there.”
Seeing no reason to waste the rest of Zerrix, Debbie happily ate his body for lunch. Nothing quite like the crunch of fresh bones.
The talking stone was demanding attention. Debbie activated it and the sound of screaming answered as well hissing, shouting, calls for tranquilizers, and then heavy panting.
“Sorry about that, had to dodge someone when you picked up. We’ve got some, erm, activity right now.” sounds of equipment crashing “This is Fiona, the apothecary. What are the forms required for vampire attacks on company employees as well as the form for restraining a vampire?”
“57-B-1 Treatment of Vampire Induced Bites on Company Employees and 57-A-2 Therapeutic Restraint of a Vampiric Employee. Let me guess, Kevin and Count Yorslav?”
“You guessed it! We’ve got someone holding pressure to Kevin’s bite wound while he’s drinking the potions of healing and cure disease.”
“Very good, Fiona. Please send me Yorlsav once he’s calmed down.”
“There’s absolutely no excuse, Yorslav. Company and Kingdom guidelines are perfectly clear about this. If you forgot to bring a thrall with you for lunch, you can obtain a willing one from the apothecary. You absolutely cannot drink from company employees. Ever. That’s a major violation of E’OAR. You’ll have to attend unpaid training and sensitivity sessions, I’m afraid,” Debbie said as she leaned back into her office chair.
Yorslav, whom had been slumped in the chair across the desk stood up in indignation, “I will not apologize for drinking from a worthless human maggot. I refuse to take these so called classes-especially unpaid!”
Debbie leaned forward and tried to not smile, “So, to be quite clear, you’re refusing to take the mandated training and sensitivity sessions?”
“Of course I’m refusing. I’m a Count! I answer to no one!”
“Thank you for repeating that for the Security Spellswords behind you. Count Yorslav, your refusal to attend the training and sensitivity session when mandated constitutes a violation of your employment contract and you are to be cast out of the building immediately. Goodbye.”
She could hear him screaming down the hallway as he was escorted out. Sure, she could have waited until night time to have him escorted out but that would have required her to keep the office open late and that’s rather a bother. Plus, he attacked Kevin.
Debbie looked upon the small stack of wizarding staffs that formed a small pile on her desk. She the looked over them to the sulking young woman in brightly patterned clothing and shook her head, “Look, Tomato-”
“Tamsin,” the patchwork woman corrected as she fiddled with her lute strings.
“Tamsin, what you do in your own time is your business. But you absolutely cannot sell unauthorized wizarding staffs in the breakroom on company time. I hate to do this, but I’ve no choice,” Debbie intoned as she snapped the staffs in half.
“Those were mine! You can’t do that!” Tamsin shrieked.
“Young bard, I very much CAN do that and if you continue to shriek I will confiscate your lute and make you use Zerrix’s rib cage as an instrument for two weeks.”
Tamsin gasped and clutched her lute to her chest, “Not Lucille!”
Debbie looked very sternly at her, “Yes Lucille. But seeing as how you’ve ceased your shrieking, I think we can forgo that, yes? However, should I catch you peddling on company time again, it will be Lucille’s neck next.”
A now quite pale Tamsin scurried out of the cave.
Debbie started to complete form BRK-42 Authorized Destruction of Confiscated Magical Equipment
She rolled the rock back into place at the entrance, officially closing the H.R. Cave. She rubbed her neck and went to her living area. She was going to binge watch The Golden Harpies on the Viewing Crystal tonight.
• Cornell student presents thesis in underwear
• The Dumbest Outrage
• Syrian Chemical Weapons and Western Retaliation?
• US/North Korea Talks Proposed