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JamesT's Improved Classic Beginnings
By JamesT | 26th June, 2013 | 12:09 am

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JamesT's Improved Classic Beginnings


There are some books that have openings that jump right off the page. And not in a scary "oh god I forgot to take my medicine and the hallucinations are coming back" kind of way either! No, these are openings that withstand the test of time... but couldn't they be better? When I sit down to read a book to my illiterate friends down by the barrel fire I need something that will grab their attention and keep their interest long enough that my pal Sneaky Hands Tom can make off with some much needed dough (not cash, actual dough; I hang around bakers and I get hungry).*



The original:

"Call me Ishmael..." from Moby Dick by Herman Melville.

The JT improved version:
Call me Ishmael. For that is my God name, not my slave name. The MAN has saddled me with "Reginald" but I am a strong black man who cannot be bound by the white power structure. Black Panthers forever!

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Reginald/Ishmael



The original:

"It was a dark and stormy night..." from Paul Clifford by Edward Bulwer-Lytton.

The JT improved version:

It was a dark and stormy night when my sex toy came. If I were a smarter man, I would have waited to open it till I got inside. But no, I was young and foolish. Instead, I ripped it open right there on the doorstep and in my excitement I slipped and fell. The emergency room will never again be an innocent place for me...

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Lightning is the least shocking thing about this night.



The original:

"The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel..." from Neuromancer by William Gibson.

The JT improved version:

The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.
"Damn it!" Bob cursed. "This TV never gets good reception!"
"Well," Tim tried to explain, "It's not a television. It's the sky- what are you doing??"
Tim could do nothing as Bob leaped into the ocean. And so began Bob's quest to change the sky's channel.

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This thing doesn't even get HBO!



The original:

"I can resist everything except temptation..." from Lady Windermere's Fan by Oscar Wilde.

The JT improved version:

"I can resist everything except temptation... and chocolate... and croissants... and these things— I have no idea what they are, but I can't stop eating them!"
Thomas kept eating more and more at the buffet. He couldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried. His waist expanded further... and further. Pretty soon he was attracting people into his gravitational field. As he collapsed into a black hole, he had one thought: They could use a little mustard.

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Gurl, you are getting faaaaat.



The original:

"Two households, both alike in dignity. In fair Verona, where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to new mutiny. Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean..." from Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare.


We aren't linking to Romeo And Juliet. You can't be serious. -Ed


The JT improved version:

Two households, both alike in dignity. In fair Verona, where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to new mutiny. Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean, even if you wash them a hundred times. God damn it this stain won't come out! Do I have to use an industrial solvent? I mean Christ, it's just blood, it shouldn't be that difficu- oh great, my towel tore. Just perfect. This is the perfect end to a perfect day. Take me now, God! It's obvious you just want to give me a heart attack so get it over with! Damn stain...

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O happy dagger, please just wash right for once; it's one thing after another, isn't it?


The original:

"In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters." from ... I don't actually remember. 50 Shades of Gray?

The JT improved version:

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void. So God decided that the earth needed a little bit of exercise. The Earth went on a 6 week workout regimen and lost 10,000,000 tons. God was pleased with this accomplishment and said that the earth could have some sweets with its dinner if it was really careful about portion control; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters with a really expensive plastic surgeon.
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Same thing?




*books selected by NisiOptimum

Tags: Personal perspective, Classics, Literature, humor 38


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