"Sir, we fucked up. Big time."
Bill Gates screamed, as he pulled out some of his hairs. The Microsoft Meeting Office was a complete mess; violently-chucked papers were violently strewn about, fax machines were filled with stab wounds, and an X-Box One sat in the center of a long, like, super long table, with various CEOs trying to avoid making eye contact with its shame.
"Fuck Sony!" Bill Gates yelled.
"Sir, with all due respect," the CEO began, "we fucked up."
"How?! We're Microsoft! We never fuck up!"
Your children's children will share this.
"Sir, we did things we shouldn't have done. Region locking? Always being online? These are terrible ideas."
"I've never had a terrible idea in my life!" Gates shouted to heavens. "We have to defeat Sony, somehow."
A young CEO, Steve Stevenson, spoke up. With all the convictions of his young naivety.
"With all due respect, why is Bill Gates here? Didn't he leave everyday operations to go throw money at orphans and diseases?"
The floor panel underneath Steve Stevenson's $700 desk chair opened up. It fell until the abyss. Unfortunately for Steve Stevenson, he was still in it. Eventually, the boardroom could no longer hear the screams. The agenda moved on.
Another CEO, a bald, fat white man, who probably currently keeps illegal immigrants trapped in his closet, (with himself inside with them) stood up. "Lord Gates, the masses don't know how good they have it. I mean, you can now spy on female gamers playing in their underwear. That's practically a working class young boy's wet dream. Not to mention, we could sell information to the government."
"Wait, we can do that?", Gates asked.
"No, but when one knows how to hack consoles, one can."
"That's invasion of privacy," the younger CEO said. "People have civil liberties."
The old man seemed confused. "Civil...liberties?"
The Civil Liberty is a brand of car, right?
The younger CEO turned back to Gates. "Look, sir, if we want to beat Sony, we must face the criticism leveled at the X-Box One."
"Or," the old CEO lifted a finger, "let the free market decide."
The young CEO let out a war cry as he jumped over the table, tackled the old man to the ground, and strangled him.
"Ricardo, no!" Another CEO stood up to stop him, but Gates held a hand up. (Microsoft has like, 6 or seven CEOs)
"No. This must be done."
Ricardo plunged his hand into the old man's heart, ripped it out, and devoured it. One gulp. He unhinged his jaw, like a snake. Gates watched as the old CEO's eyes lost their light, and nodded. No remorse, no sadness. Just simple acknowledgement of the laws of the corporate world. Ricardo stood up, blood stains on his suit and tie, breathing heavily.
Gates smiled in approval. He was obviously pretty jazzed, at this point.
He snapped his fingers. "Let's put pony pornography in the computers of Sony's top CEOs!"
"NO!" Ricardo pointed a bloody finger at Gates. "Not again! We're doing this by the book!"
"By what books?" Gates was both annoyed, and aroused, at this young upstart's gumption.
"The time for corporations to ignore the demands of the people is up! We must listen to the people!"
"Ricardo, what say the people?"
"They are saying, 'I don't want the X-Bone!' They don't want it because of the features we have. We are looking up and saying 'buy it', and they are whispering, 'No.'"
"Will you look at this shit? I'd have better privacy rights from the NSA!"
Gates clapped his hand together, trying to process what Ricardo said. "So..."
"You're saying we should-"
"-put pony porn on Sony's computers?"
"Arrgh, fuck it, I quit!!"
Ricardo headed to the doors, but they slammed shut and locked from the outside. Ricardo didn't turn around when the CEOs jumped out of their chairs and put their backs against the wall. He didn't turn around when Bill Gates removed his shirt and cracked his knuckles. Gates was already oiled up. It was weird.
"No one quits Microsoft, Ricardo. You know this."
Ricardo slowly turned around and stared at Bill Gates. "What if Pinocchio said, 'my nose will now grow?'"
Bill Gates blinked. "What's that supposed to mea-ow, my head. Ow! Auuuugh!"
Gates clutched his head in agony. His eyes became blue, and white words appeared in them. He fell to the ground, unconscious.
"He'll reboot in about five minutes," Ricardo assured the other CEOs. He turned to walk away, but one of his colleagues grabbed him by the shoulder.
"Where will you go now, Ricardo?"
Maybe it is time to race.
Ricardo smiled. "I've always wanted to start my own company."
Ricardo walked out of the office triumphantly, as the elderly CEOs stood in silence. Ricardo ignited the jetpack which was somehow concealed under his suit jacket, and blasted right through the ceiling. It was impressive. The CEOs were dumbfounded. That is, until Seamus and I crashed through the ceiling and landed on the floor. Shit got real, again. Unbeknownst to them, but knownst to us, we had been spying on them the whole time. Seamus stood up and grabbed the X-Box One off the table.
"I've got it!"
I ran toward the windows. "Cheese it!"
We crashed through the windows and fell a few feet before Seamus teleported us away.
The CEOs remained silent.
Then it hit one of them "...oh fuck, that one had my pony porn!"
• Aziz Ansari Accused of Assaulting Anonymous Admirer
• Is it complicated to say "No" to men?
• Oprah Winfrey for President?
• Things you can say both during sex and at a family dinner